Quick Blog, Then Bed

Oh hello again, blog world. We all know I only come here when I feel like I need to write to calm myself down or have something important I want to share. This time, it's a combination of both. So here's to a quick blog and then a good night's sleep for Ashleigh.

Here we go:

Hi, my name is Ashleigh and I am stubborn and prideful. Yes I realize that that sounds absolutely ridiculous, but I think we all could get a lot from saying that and truly believing it about ourselves. I found myself earlier tonight in a complete state of frustration because people kept undermining my busy-ness. I'm a control freak, and a work-a-holic, I like to be busy, and I like to have things my way. But, I hate it when people tell me that I'm not busy, I'm not doing enough, and I'm not as good as they are. Truth is, I don't like to feel like people are doing more than me. My self worth comes from lining my days full with little time to think, little time to eat, and little time to reflect. I like to pull myself out of bed early, and fall into bed late with a lot accomplished in the middle. But it is absolutely crazy how riled up I get when someone challenges me. When people say "well you don't have to do _________ (insert whatever better thing they do here)", and "well at least you ONLY have to work ________(insert this many - way more than you- hours here)...Etc. The list could go on forever. It is completely unhealthy and insane! And it bothers me how upset I got about it tonight which is why I'm going to actively work at throwing away my stubborn pride and pick up my grace and compassion.

And this blog brought me to these questions: Why are we so competitive? Why do we always have to out-do each other? Why can't we sit back and support each other instead of always wanting to be the person that does more?

And lastly:

Why do we care so much about our pride that we put others down along the way?

Broken and Searching, Let me find you

Hungry and hurting, Let me feel you

Desperate and failing, Let me need you

Saved by grace, Lord let me love you

I need you.

A Tribute to Yet Another Failed Relationship

You know, if there is one thing I've learned in my almost 20 years of living it's this : Relationships involving people are complicated. My relationship with my pets, now that is something I have mastered. But anytime I involve any other human being into my life, I pretty much strap myself into a roller coaster, with absolutely no clue where the twists, turns, and bumps will be. I've been testing out this new thing (for me at least it's new). A Dating Relationship. Oh yes, you did indeed read that right, Ashleigh dating... Crazy, I know. So I did find my way into a relationship, I'll spare you some details but the main one is that he is Mormon and I am Christian. A lot of people would argue that there is little difference in those two religions, however, we both found that there is quite a large difference. So we dated for about a month. Spent an unforgettable Valentines day together, and spent many nights up way later than we should be chatting.

But, for once in my life, I decided to be smart and think about the future of our relationship... We decided we both believe in dating to find someone to marry, and that we both don't believe dating should be a time to just screw around and have some fun... No pun intended there. But really, what is the point in letting someone get so emotionally invested in something you know from the beginning isn't going to work out? I mean the questions in that relationship for us were endless... Where would we get married, who would marry us, who's church would we go to, what religion would our kids grow up with... I know they are all things most couples my age wouldn't even dream of talking to each other about but they were realities we decided were important to talk about. Things that for us, our dreams and desires for those things are never going to change... So being in a relationship where those dreams/goals/desires didn't line up was not a healthy choice for us.

So I for once, feel like I made a smart relationship decision. It hurts, oh man does it hurt. But it's a good hurt. It's the kind of hurt where you know the right decision wasn't necessarily the one you wanted, but the one that will save your heart in the future. Jesus tells us to guard our hearts, I think I just guarded mine. And for once, after a few tears, I will walk away from this knowing that I made a good relationship decision and that I now have a life long friend because of it.

Peace and Love,
Ashleigh

To a girl who has changed my life...

I hope you know:

I appreciate you more than anything though I sometimes really struggle to show it.

That though I fight your advice like it's the plague sometimes, it's one of the only opinions that truly matter to me.

I couldn't have done this semester without you.

I admire the woman of God that you are and aspire to be that someday.

That I am so proud of you for everything you've done and the faith you've held on tight to.

That you've made a difference in a lot of people's lives.

That you're faith is apparent in every aspect of your life.

That I wouldn't be the girl that I am without your impact on my life.

You are beautiful.

Your letters made my week this summer.

You are prayed for.


I'm so happy you are staying in Fort Collins for at least a little longer. May God bless your faithfulness in seeking Him and following Him in everything He asks you to do. May you continue to be a blessing to those around you, and seek to be the woman that God created you to be. I pray that the details and logistics work themselves out so you can sit back and enjoy the way God works. I pray that you continue to look around you and smile at all the blessings God has given, and continue to know that God's grace is sufficient. I praise God everyday for putting you in my life.

With love,
Ashleigh

Confession

I am not confident.
I know I am smart, but not in the ways that count.
I read people much better than books but I never
Have the words to explain my feelings.
I’m only as funny as I feel,
And I do not think I’m pretty.
I sometimes walk with my head down.
My posture is terrible.
I think my emotions get the best of me.
I’m really not as nice as I’d like to be,
Or as innocent as you’d think I am.
I am a contradiction to everything I want to stand for.
I’m a big dreamer with little motivation.
I am really no good at all, on my own.
But I am analytical with myself.
And I don’t understand how anyone could ever be cocky
Or proud when they are aware of all the disgusting things
That they think and do, but no one knows.
We’re all broken enough to be humble.

(I didn't write this... A friend found it online.)

Oh how I've missed you, blog world...

Well hello again, blog world. It has been a while yet again. You see, as I have been racing through this semester dodging some roadblocks that have come my way, I have completely forgotten about you in this race to get everything done. On time. But, as I've laid in bed sick the past couple days, I've decided I have a lot on my mind, and these fingers miss typing out a good old blog for the world to see. Eh-hem, I mean, for me to read later since I'm probably the only one that reads this.

Anywho, let's get to the chit chat- shall we? I mean, what is this really about anyway? I'm finding myself lost in the motions of life. I get up, I get ready, I go to work, I go to class, I blah blah blah you get the picture. At the end of the day I sink into bed exhausted and dreading the alarm tone to sound in a few short hours. But lately, I've been wondering. Is everything I'm working my butt off to get done really worth it? I mean, how much of this am I going to remember in 10 years? I had my RA performance evaluation and the biggest response from my residents was that they wish I was around more. Understandably so, they see me for brief groggy moments in the bathroom before I go to bed or when I wake up at some ridiculous hour of the morning. But it really got me thinking... Is what I'm doing worthwhile? I mean sure, some of it I have to do, let's get real here, if class was optional you and I both know I'd be outta there faster then ... well faster then... something fast. But, class doesn't seem to be negotiable, unfortunately for many overworked students. But all the running around, all the working, all the involvement? Sure, it's a great resume builder, a good friend maker, and occasionally a fun time. But the question still pops into my head... Is it worth running myself ragged for? All this to say... I have 32 residents that I could get to know and make a difference in their life. Or, I could make sure to be involved in everything and do absolutely everything and give them the sloppy leftovers.

You know, who knows if what I'm doing in 10 years will be remembered. But I'd like to be remembered as someone who cared about the people around her. Not someone who was too busy with her own life to take the time to get to know people.

What's worth it to you in your life? I really want to hear what it is for you that is worthwhile above everything else...

Peace and Love,

Ashes

Beautiful Lyrics

YOU'RE HOUSE

Aaron Strumpel


Build us a house Oh God, it's rooms are filled with praise
Build us a family Father, sons and daughters of light
Build us a house Oh God, it's walls will echo your peace
Build us a family Father, children to run and play


We sing as people got set free
You dream the very best, You dream
And then we know, we know
A home is what we make in You
You love Your children yes You do
We are Your house, Your home


Build us a house Oh God, keep it sunny by day
Build us a family Father, our sons will love Your name
Build us a house Oh God, keep us safe at night
Build us a family Father, our daughters Your word will keep

____________________________________________

That is all... Thank you Jesus for loving Your children...
Feeling oh-so-blessed to be loved by You.