The Search for Hope

Quick Blog, Then Bed

2011-06-29T23:11:00.002-06:00

Oh hello again, blog world. We all know I only come here when I feel like I need to write to calm myself down or have something important I want to share. This time, it's a combination of both. So here's to a quick blog and then a good night's sleep for Ashleigh.

Here we go:

Hi, my name is Ashleigh and I am stubborn and prideful. Yes I realize that that sounds absolutely ridiculous, but I think we all could get a lot from saying that and truly believing it about ourselves. I found myself earlier tonight in a complete state of frustration because people kept undermining my busy-ness. I'm a control freak, and a work-a-holic, I like to be busy, and I like to have things my way. But, I hate it when people tell me that I'm not busy, I'm not doing enough, and I'm not as good as they are. Truth is, I don't like to feel like people are doing more than me. My self worth comes from lining my days full with little time to think, little time to eat, and little time to reflect. I like to pull myself out of bed early, and fall into bed late with a lot accomplished in the middle. But it is absolutely crazy how riled up I get when someone challenges me. When people say "well you don't have to do _________ (insert whatever better thing they do here)", and "well at least you ONLY have to work ________(insert this many - way more than you- hours here)...Etc. The list could go on forever. It is completely unhealthy and insane! And it bothers me how upset I got about it tonight which is why I'm going to actively work at throwing away my stubborn pride and pick up my grace and compassion.

And this blog brought me to these questions: Why are we so competitive? Why do we always have to out-do each other? Why can't we sit back and support each other instead of always wanting to be the person that does more?

And lastly:

Why do we care so much about our pride that we put others down along the way?

2011-04-12T17:22:00.002-06:00

Broken and Searching, Let me find you

Hungry and hurting, Let me feel you

Desperate and failing, Let me need you

Saved by grace, Lord let me love you

I need you.

A Tribute to Yet Another Failed Relationship

2011-02-18T00:13:00.003-07:00

You know, if there is one thing I've learned in my almost 20 years of living it's this : Relationships involving people are complicated. My relationship with my pets, now that is something I have mastered. But anytime I involve any other human being into my life, I pretty much strap myself into a roller coaster, with absolutely no clue where the twists, turns, and bumps will be. I've been testing out this new thing (for me at least it's new). A Dating Relationship. Oh yes, you did indeed read that right, Ashleigh dating... Crazy, I know. So I did find my way into a relationship, I'll spare you some details but the main one is that he is Mormon and I am Christian. A lot of people would argue that there is little difference in those two religions, however, we both found that there is quite a large difference. So we dated for about a month. Spent an unforgettable Valentines day together, and spent many nights up way later than we should be chatting.

But, for once in my life, I decided to be smart and think about the future of our relationship... We decided we both believe in dating to find someone to marry, and that we both don't believe dating should be a time to just screw around and have some fun... No pun intended there. But really, what is the point in letting someone get so emotionally invested in something you know from the beginning isn't going to work out? I mean the questions in that relationship for us were endless... Where would we get married, who would marry us, who's church would we go to, what religion would our kids grow up with... I know they are all things most couples my age wouldn't even dream of talking to each other about but they were realities we decided were important to talk about. Things that for us, our dreams and desires for those things are never going to change... So being in a relationship where those dreams/goals/desires didn't line up was not a healthy choice for us.

So I for once, feel like I made a smart relationship decision. It hurts, oh man does it hurt. But it's a good hurt. It's the kind of hurt where you know the right decision wasn't necessarily the one you wanted, but the one that will save your heart in the future. Jesus tells us to guard our hearts, I think I just guarded mine. And for once, after a few tears, I will walk away from this knowing that I made a good relationship decision and that I now have a life long friend because of it.

Peace and Love,
Ashleigh

To a girl who has changed my life...

2010-12-16T17:13:00.002-07:00

I hope you know:

I appreciate you more than anything though I sometimes really struggle to show it.

That though I fight your advice like it's the plague sometimes, it's one of the only opinions that truly matter to me.

I couldn't have done this semester without you.

I admire the woman of God that you are and aspire to be that someday.

That I am so proud of you for everything you've done and the faith you've held on tight to.

That you've made a difference in a lot of people's lives.

That you're faith is apparent in every aspect of your life.

That I wouldn't be the girl that I am without your impact on my life.

You are beautiful.

Your letters made my week this summer.

You are prayed for.

I'm so happy you are staying in Fort Collins for at least a little longer. May God bless your faithfulness in seeking Him and following Him in everything He asks you to do. May you continue to be a blessing to those around you, and seek to be the woman that God created you to be. I pray that the details and logistics work themselves out so you can sit back and enjoy the way God works. I pray that you continue to look around you and smile at all the blessings God has given, and continue to know that God's grace is sufficient. I praise God everyday for putting you in my life.

With love,
Ashleigh

Confession

2010-12-13T00:03:00.002-07:00

I am not confident.
I know I am smart, but not in the ways that count.
I read people much better than books but I never
Have the words to explain my feelings.
I’m only as funny as I feel,
And I do not think I’m pretty.
I sometimes walk with my head down.
My posture is terrible.
I think my emotions get the best of me.
I’m really not as nice as I’d like to be,
Or as innocent as you’d think I am.
I am a contradiction to everything I want to stand for.
I’m a big dreamer with little motivation.
I am really no good at all, on my own.
But I am analytical with myself.
And I don’t understand how anyone could ever be cocky
Or proud when they are aware of all the disgusting things
That they think and do, but no one knows.
We’re all broken enough to be humble.

(I didn't write this... A friend found it online.)

Oh how I've missed you, blog world...

2010-12-02T23:40:00.004-07:00

Well hello again, blog world. It has been a while yet again. You see, as I have been racing through this semester dodging some roadblocks that have come my way, I have completely forgotten about you in this race to get everything done. On time. But, as I've laid in bed sick the past couple days, I've decided I have a lot on my mind, and these fingers miss typing out a good old blog for the world to see. Eh-hem, I mean, for me to read later since I'm probably the only one that reads this.

Anywho, let's get to the chit chat- shall we? I mean, what is this really about anyway? I'm finding myself lost in the motions of life. I get up, I get ready, I go to work, I go to class, I blah blah blah you get the picture. At the end of the day I sink into bed exhausted and dreading the alarm tone to sound in a few short hours. But lately, I've been wondering. Is everything I'm working my butt off to get done really worth it? I mean, how much of this am I going to remember in 10 years? I had my RA performance evaluation and the biggest response from my residents was that they wish I was around more. Understandably so, they see me for brief groggy moments in the bathroom before I go to bed or when I wake up at some ridiculous hour of the morning. But it really got me thinking... Is what I'm doing worthwhile? I mean sure, some of it I have to do, let's get real here, if class was optional you and I both know I'd be outta there faster then ... well faster then... something fast. But, class doesn't seem to be negotiable, unfortunately for many overworked students. But all the running around, all the working, all the involvement? Sure, it's a great resume builder, a good friend maker, and occasionally a fun time. But the question still pops into my head... Is it worth running myself ragged for? All this to say... I have 32 residents that I could get to know and make a difference in their life. Or, I could make sure to be involved in everything and do absolutely everything and give them the sloppy leftovers.

You know, who knows if what I'm doing in 10 years will be remembered. But I'd like to be remembered as someone who cared about the people around her. Not someone who was too busy with her own life to take the time to get to know people.

What's worth it to you in your life? I really want to hear what it is for you that is worthwhile above everything else...

Peace and Love,

Ashes

Beautiful Lyrics

2010-09-16T22:59:00.002-06:00

YOU'RE HOUSE

Aaron Strumpel

Build us a house Oh God, it's rooms are filled with praise
Build us a family Father, sons and daughters of light
Build us a house Oh God, it's walls will echo your peace
Build us a family Father, children to run and play

We sing as people got set free
You dream the very best, You dream
And then we know, we know
A home is what we make in You
You love Your children yes You do
We are Your house, Your home

Build us a house Oh God, keep it sunny by day
Build us a family Father, our sons will love Your name
Build us a house Oh God, keep us safe at night
Build us a family Father, our daughters Your word will keep

____________________________________________

That is all... Thank you Jesus for loving Your children...
Feeling oh-so-blessed to be loved by You.

Rant... Yes, I know. Rant.

2010-09-15T10:05:00.004-06:00

Sitting at work this morning, all I see around me is couples. Couples. Couples. Couples. EVERYWHERE. Normally this wouldn't bother me at all, but lately it has been driving me absolutely batty! It wouldn't bother me at all to see people simply holding hands, or walking with their arms around each other, but I am about to lose it with all the public kissing I see going on... Like really, I am not interested in seeing you two kiss every 30 seconds or seeing a guy gently caress his girlfriends butt while standing in line to eat... I mean come on people, what does this reflect on you? Think of if your little sibling was standing behind you? What would they think?

And I know, a lot of my rage towards this is because I'm jealous of the relationships people have that I don't have... But that put aside, I still don't enjoy sitting at the desk where I have to serve people who are kissing and gazing into each others eyes while I'm getting them their package. It's almost as bad as people talking on their cell phone while asking for something at the desk.

And then, the girl working with me goes... Well if that's what they are doing in public, I don't even want to know what they do in private. Though I'm completely disgusted by that picture... I can't help but think she's not the only person thinking that.

Couples... What do you think is appropriate/too much??

I come...

2010-09-08T23:11:00.002-06:00

"I'm so forgetful, but You always remind me. You're the only One who brings me peace. You're the only one who brings me peace. I'm so forgetful, but You always remind me. You're the only one who brings me peace. You're the only one brings me peace. So I come, Lord I come, I come, Lord I come... To tell You I love You. To tell You I need You. To tell You there's no better place for me then in Your arms. To tell You I'm sorry. For running in circles. For placing my focus on the waves not on Your face. You're the only One who brings me peace. You're the only one who brings me peace."
-Running in Circles, United pursuit

So I thought of this song tonight when talking to a friend about how we always forget or don't make time for God because our lives get so busy and hectic but when we spend the time we feel much more refreshed and in love with God. It came to mind because of the line "You're the only One who brings me peace." Then I looked up the rest of the words and was even more in love with the song. I'm not sure where I first heard it, but I have this vague memory of just crying out to God with these words. There is no better place for me than in His arms... It's in His arms where I feel content and peaceful.

So be still, rest in Him. Take your place in His arms and tell Him whats on your heart. Make time for Him, let Him remind you that He is the only source of peace. Tell Him your sorry, for not making the time for Him. Seek Him every minute of every day. Let your peace and refuge be found in His love. And if you forget, think of this song:

Were so forgetful, but You always remind us, You're the only one who brings us peace... You're the only one who brings us peace...

Liar Liar, Pride is on Fire...

2010-09-06T07:44:00.005-06:00

A few weeks ago I did something pretty stupid... No need to tell ya'll what it was, it's irrelevant. Feeling pretty bad about what I did, I shut down, kept it to myself. Didn't tell anyone. When asked about it by one of my friends, I lied and simply said I hadn't done it and that I would never do it. She said a few very powerful words words to me in the car when we were driving back from Salsa one night that went a little bit like this. "I hope there isn't something your not telling me, but if there is, I hope Jesus convicts your heart of it." I think you could have seen me tense up from a mile away. I remember thinking... Well now that we brought Jesus into it... I have to 'fess up. But throughout the week I kept thinking about that moment... That moment where she looked me in the eye and said those words, Something so small, but so powerful made me realize that not only did I lie to her, I realized I was lying to myself as well. And that feeling, is something nobody wants to have.

I got home that night and cried until I went on a run to pull myself back together. I had a good chat with Jesus while running my heart out and came back still feeling bad, but ready to start working through the repercussions of my actions. First things first, I had to own up to what I did to my friend, who I'm sure was anxious about hearing the real truth. I had to ask for forgiveness, and own up to the fact that I screwed up and not try to hide it from myself. And last, I had to ask for accountability. And with that accountability I had to promise to be honest in the future. What good is accountability if we are too stubborn and prideful to admit our own faults? Someone that meant a lot to me once told me that he didn't believe in accountability, said it didn't work. I never really understood what he meant until I experienced the difficulty of telling someone you screwed up after you have a period of change. Of telling someone you screwed up after telling them you have become a different person, that you are closer to being the man/woman God created you to be. Of telling them that despite what God has done in your life, you still screwed up. And it's all because of this little thing we call pride. We are all still human. We are going to screw up in our quest to be more like Jesus. We are going to fail and fall flat on our face sometimes. But Jesus still has His loving arms wide open for our return. So why can't we own up to our failures? Why do we feel the need to hide it? I can honestly say one of my biggest reasons was that I couldn't face telling her that I screwed up that bad after telling her how much God had worked in my life this summer. Our pride is just plain ugly.

A verse that's been on my heart lately:
Isaiah 43:1
But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

Special thanks to the friends we have in our lives that love us despite our failures and are willing to hold us accountable even when we make it difficult...

Freedom

2010-08-27T10:30:00.002-06:00

"The keeping of God's law makes us free; the breaking of the law makes us slaves."
-AW Tozer

This quote came up on my twitter this morning and I couldn't help but stare at it for a while and think about what it truly means. If anyone that didn't love God were to look at that quote, they would think that it is backwards. That keeping laws makes us slaves and breaking them makes us free. For a long time in my life, I thought that. I would even venture to say there are times in my life where I still do think that having freedom means being able to do whatever I want, not following rules, or listening to direction.

This quote is so perfect for a person like me though. In my stubbornness I want only what seems right for me, but God gives us freedom in His love, freedom in His grace, freedom in forgiveness, and freedom in who He is. So why do we run from freedom? What is freedom to us? The definition of freedom is : "the state of being free or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint". So if we are slave to sin, we are not free. If we are falling under the power of temptation, we are not free. If we are giving in the the pressures of the world, we are not free, we are a slave to our sinful nature. Unless we choose to seek and follow God with all we are. Unless we decide He is the one we want to follow. Unless we decide to keep His laws. Then, and only then, will we be free in the true and perfect meaning of freedom.

Missing Camp....

2010-08-20T11:22:00.003-06:00

I've been home from camp for a few weeks now, and the sadness of leaving is just starting to really kick in. As I've started to reflect on the summer and what it was to me, I realized just how much I changed. I've begun the RA Job, my residents have all moved in, I'm ready for new adventures, but I'm really missing camp. I miss the people, I miss the lifestyle, and I miss how easy it was to have a relationship with God. When I got back life got busy, with all the moving and the welcoming, and the training and the working, I felt so overwhelmed by life that I didn't find time to spend with God. I tried praying before I went to bed, and always fell asleep. Tried waking up early... It was a challenge. I'm working to make time and make it a priority, but I'm definitely missing the ease of finding time to spend with God that I had at camp.

Most of all though, I feel myself changing. I feel myself going back to old habits, old insecurities, and old attitudes. I changed this summer, to the girl that I've always wanted to be, but always felt like I couldn't be. I grew towards being the woman that God created me to be, and the last thing I want is to go back to the old me, the me that needed designer things to feel worth anything, the me that was so insecure about the body that God gave me, and the me that did anything and everything to please people, no matter how much it would hurt me later. I don't want to go back to that old me... I need Jesus. I need to be spending time with Him, relying on Him, and trusting Him even more than I did this summer.

So here's to working harder at being the people God created us to be. The road sure isn't easy, but I know it's worth it to lose it all to follow Him. Anyone else struggle with this?

By Grace Alone,
Ashleigh

Transitions

2010-08-02T18:08:00.003-06:00

Saturday I finished my time at camp and Sunday I moved in to my new dorm room and began RA Training for the year. As excited I was for this transition to occur and new adventures to begin, I'm finding myself overwhelmed. I don't feel like I fully got to process and mentally leave camp, there are many goodbyes left unsaid, and many friends that I will miss dearly. RA Training has begun and has been a blast so far, but I feel like the exhaustion from camp is affecting my energy and performance here so far. I do wish I would have had like 2 weeks to sleep in between these two things, but what I'm learning is that our time on earth here is short and we are called to follow God, and last time I checked, God didn't take two week sleep breaks. Convicting and inspiring, I'm going to try to dig down deep and find some energy.

The end of camp was amazing. I had an awesome week, a tough week, but a great week. I left feeling like I had at least made a little bit of an impact on some lives, and had at least planted some seeds in the kids. I'm going to miss my ministry there so much, but I know that the RA job will bring a ministry to me also. I am so glad I took the leap of faith, followed God, and jumped out of my comfort zone to be adventure staff this summer. I have never felt such a feeling of accomplishment as I did when this summer was over. I have discovered a new part of me, and I'm thoroughly enjoying the somewhat adventurous side of me. I'm excited to see what God has planned for me this next year, what lessons He has to teach, and what changes He will make in me to make me the woman He created me to be. So here's to new experiences, may we always jump at the opportunity to make a difference in people's lives and take chances.

Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing at all. - Helen Keller

Thanks for all the prayers for the summer, I appreciate it. :)

It's a Beautiful Day...

2010-07-13T20:43:00.003-06:00

Today was an amazing day. Started with the alarm going off at a brisk 5:00 in the morning, where I threw some clothes on and set up early breakfast for our group that left to go backpacking. After that, I went to Tayleur's, showered, did my hair (curled it), put a tiny bit of makeup on, and spent some time by myself just reflecting. After that amazing start to the morning, I was blessed with the opportunity to lead worship at high school camp. Leading worship is absolutely one of my favorite things to do and I feel like my spirit is fresh and renewed after spending some time singing. After that I got to sit outside in the sun, read my book, and watch a couple kids on the Slackline for a few minutes. The book I'm reading has absolutely captured me. Passion & Purity by Elisabeth Elliot, something I really never thought I would want to read, has been an amazing story of a young relationship that delights and follows in God's perfect will and timing. I have read a few love and purity books in the past, yet this one has been my favorite so far. I am only about half way through but I am inspired by her use of biblical truths. So often when I pick up books like that, I feel like I'm getting the authors commentary and ideas, that are just what he or she believes and not what is necessarily taken directly from the Word of God. So I have really appreciated this book so far, and will let you know what I think when I reach the end, which at this rate, will probably be by Friday. :)

Today was hectic, a little crazy, and quite emotional for me. But since I spent the morning feeding myself and relaxing and doing what I love to do, I felt like I could handle all the obstacles that were sent my way. Some times I just want to have an emotional day, I just want to have a friend to have girl-talk with and cry with, and today was definitely one of those days, but to deal with it, instead of the usual girl-talk heavy on the tears, I'm going to take my book outside, enjoy the beauty of the wonderful creation I'm surrounded by, and soak it in.

"The more I seek you,
The more I find you
The more I find you, the more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath, feel your heart beat
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming."

Then and Now

2010-07-12T17:33:00.004-06:00

Well camp is still going, life is still busy, and God is still moving and working in my life. I feel like a completely different person. I can't help but laugh when I think of the 2 months ago me compared to the me now, so I decided I'd write out a list of a few things that have changed in me.

1. My absolute necessity to have my hair done and makeup on before I leave for the day has completely disappeared.
2. I used to shower at least once a day, sometimes twice, here, I'm happy to get 2 showers a week in.
3. Water is a must. My addiction to soda has faded away. Now I maybe have one a week, and compared to the 5 or 6 a day I used to have, I would say the addiction has been taken care of.
4. I strangely adore granola and soy milk... One of my favorite meals and snacks.
5. My favorite store has become REI, and my new favorite outfit involves a Patagonia pull over and some mountainy pants, or nike shorts instead of cute jeans and a fitted top.
6. My hatred toward any species of bugs has significantly decreased, I mean, don't get me wrong, I still don't like the crazy critters but I don't run from them anymore.
7. My shopping style has changed. I now value function over fashion. (But I do pick the most fashionable item that is still functional).
8. I have as many fleeces and synthetic layers as I do cute shoes.
9. Letters have become the most valued way of communication.
10. The farmers tan I swore I'd never have is ever present.
11. I rely on God more, not saying I'm anywhere near up to par on that one, but I have seen his faithfulness in amazing ways this summer.
12. I have discovered more of what I believe in various issues because I have taken the time to research and spend time in the word.
13. Musical worship continues to be what keeps me going, whenever I have a bad day I know singing praises will cheer me up.
14. My stubborn personality is something I am still trying to fix, but I have become more aware of my stubborn prideful self and am continuing to work on it.
15. I am a whole lot tougher than I used to be. A scraped up leg is a daily occurrence, a rolled ankle is a twice daily occurrence, and a bad day happens. I have learned to suck it up, praise God for my trial, and move on.

And the biggest change of all (I think at least):
16. I have realized how materialistic I was, how much I valued items over relationships and God, and have really sought to change that about myself. For above all else we are called to serve and to bring the gospel to all the nations, no where in there did it say any material things were required to share God's love.

The changes that I have experienced throughout this experience go far beyond what little I shared here. I shared some funny ones and some serious ones, but I really have become a new person. God continues to challenge, stretch, and grow me in ways I never expected, and I continue to fail and mess up, but my God is bigger than it all.

"You are stronger, You are stronger,
Sin is broken, You have saved me,
It is written, Christ is Risen,
Jesus, You, Are Lord of All.
So let your name be lifted higher,
Be lifted higher, Be lifted higher."

Don't Judge Your Impact Based On Their Response...

2010-07-10T16:17:00.004-06:00

Well last week was a roller coaster. Days filled with middle school kids and their needs, and week filled with kids just needing to be loved. I struggled a lot last week, God tested me in different ways, challenged me more, and blessed me with trials. Those kids were hard, I had a hard time being compassionate when all I heard all the way up the 14er was how much they hated me for making them do this, or when I had to sit a girl down to beg and plead for an attitude change when I could see the anger towards me in her eyes, but God continued to prove Himself faithful. He took those difficult kids, the kids that didn't want to be at camp, the kids that hated the fact that they had to be adventurous, and the kids that didn't want to draw near to Him, and He showed them who He was. And He took me, and showed me the biggest lesson of ministry with middle schoolers I think I've ever learned: Don't judge your impact based on their response.

So often in ministry, in order to feel accomplished we feel like we need to see a positive response from the people who we are ministering to. We almost act sometimes as if we need that response to continue or to feel like we are even making a difference. But what I learned last week was that no matter what response they give you: good, bad, or indifferent, a seed has been planted and God is at work. We are in ministry to love others and show them Jesus, no matter what the response, if we are faithfully working to serve God's kingdom, seeds are being planted and God will continue working.

One of my campers last week that didn't particularly enjoy my tough love or discipline left without even saying a word to me. Her mom signed her out and she left without saying goodbye or getting any contact information from me. I remember feeling like I had failed that week, since one of my campers didn't want anything to do with me, I had failed as a counselor. But what God showed me is that just because she didn't want to talk to me did not mean that we hadn't made an impact on her life, or that seeds weren't planted. It simply means God is still at work and whatever God was doing in her life is not my glory to have. Humility is a lesson we see every day, eh?

All In God's Plan

2010-06-21T10:52:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I was faced with an allergic reaction to a spider bite that took away my campers for the week. I was so excited for this week, to have 7 girls to hang out with and to help grow, and to actually get to do my favorite part of this whole experience which is to be with kids... But, a lovely spider bite appeared on my leg a couple days ago, and swelled up pretty big, thought I was fine, but yesterday it started feeling pretty bad, so I was given benadryl and sent to bed while my friend Abby took care of my girls for me. This morning, I got to make the call on whether or not I felt up to coming back and hiking the 14'er with my girls today, and it was a tough decision, the decision I wanted to make was not the decision I should make and vice versa. I ended up making the decision to let Abby take my girls for the week since her health is 100%, and mine still feels about 60%.
My boss' wife chatted with me about it a little bit this morning, and reminded me that God is perfect in His plan, that maybe there is a girl next week that really needs to be with me, or maybe there is a girl here this week that Abby can better minister to. Whatever the reason may be, this is all in God's plan, whether I like it or not, there is a purpose, a reason. And even though I'm disappointed that I can't be with my 7 awesome ladies, I get another opportunity to spend time with the kids when they come visit us at our adventure activities, and I've learned to never underestimate time with kids, even if it is only 5 minutes long while they climb the tower, it can still make a difference.

So I'm off to run the high ropes course this afternoon... Remembering that the power of 5 minutes is more than I sometimes give it credit for.

All I Need

2010-06-18T22:24:00.000-06:00

All I Need by Shawn McDonald
As I sit here and think
About all that You've done
About how You gave me Your one and only Son
And I'm trying to fathom
All that You are, but so far, Lord
You're so beyond me
I fall down in reverence
And I fall down in fear
And I'm asking You, Lord, won't You please draw near
Won't You open my eyes
So that I can see
The way that You are working in me

This is the first verse to the song All I Need by Shawn McDonald. I first heard this song in the van on the way to the trail where our backpacking trip was going to start. I was in a state of complete nervousness and didn't really want to go on the trip but when this song came on, I was reminded of why I'm here this summer and who I needed to be relying on this summer. The first verse just describes so much of how I felt during the first 3 weeks here. That God is so beyond me, and I can't fathom all that He is, that I need Him near to even begin to succeed here.

This song got me through the backpacking trip. Kept my heart where it needed to be. Reminded me of who I needed to rely on. I got in the van to leave for the backpacking trip dreading it and thinking I would hate every minute of the trip, and when we got back in the van on our way back to camp after the trip was all said and done, I was honestly sad it was over. I completely enjoyed the backpacking trip. Yes, there were times that were hard, times where I didn't enjoy it, times where I felt like I was in way over my head, but God met me there. He met me in my moments of frustration, in my moments of weakness, and in my moments of fear, and He got me through it and helped me to enjoy the time we had with each other in His perfect creation.

So needless to say, I adore this song. My boss will play it every once in a while in the van, and every time he puts it on, all of us can't help but sing along.

Update on my Life :)

2010-06-16T21:33:00.003-06:00

Well hello, blog world. It has been quite a while. I've been crazy busy with life and almost completely forgot about this blog. Somehow this is always the place I come when I feel like I need to write and reflect, so appropriately, that's how I'm feeling right now. This is my fourth week here at camp, and I can't even begin to touch on the roller coaster this experience has been so far. I have been stretched in ways I didn't know possible, challenged beyond what I thought my capabilities were, and amazed at what God has done in my life so far.

Before this experience began, I was a girly-girl to the max. I loved my makeup, my hair done, a cute outfit, and some fun purses. I followed God to this place where adventure was my job, and my responsibilities were to lead kids to Jesus Christ through those adventure activities. I'm sure some of you were wondering how I even got hired for this job, and believe me, I sometimes still wonder. But God has changed more than I ever thought I could be changed. I am a new me. I left for camp hoping that a change would happen and I am proud of how far I've come already. I was scared out of my mind to step out of my comfort zone, but I have never felt such a feeling of accomplishment in my life than I have here so far. Things have been hard, rescuing someone off the top of the high ropes course brought me to tears of stress, learning how to rescue myself in a kayak caused a complete state of panic, biking up a mountain created a pure hatred toward uphill and an utter feeling of failure, and learning to be me without my mask of makeup and my need to please has been a quite the ride, but at the end of the day, I always come back to knowing that God brought me here for a reason and I pick my head up and start again.

God has taught me to rely on Him. To wake up everyday saying "I can't do this, but You can." To pray in those moments of distress and fear, and to draw near to Him instead of push Him away. I have learned that my pride continues to make me fall, and my stubbornness is more out of control than I thought. But God continues to work, continues to teach, and continues to love my imperfection. I continue to strive toward the person God wants me to be and I am confident that He led me to this place to change me. I can't wait to have campers and to get to pour into their lives and help them to seek to serve the Lord.

I would greatly appreciate continued prayer. I know I can't do this by myself, I wouldn't have even made it to day 2 without God by my side. Prayer for my strength, my patience, and my ability to take a leap of faith and be the woman that God created me to be. Also, prayers for the campers that God is bringing into my life this summer, may their hearts be ready to hear His word and His love for them.

I can't wait to begin to share some stories with you all of my journey here so far, but in the meantime while I start blogging some, there are pictures on facebook for you of my adventure so far.

With love,

Ashleigh

Ready, Set, Go!

2010-05-11T13:25:00.004-06:00

Today I'm feeling sad. A combination of many things leaves my exhausted body to lay in bed and embrace the gloomy weather. The school year is almost over, just one more test to go. I have finished the hard finals, packed up my room, left just enough to get through the past few days here, and have began mentally preparing myself for the summer which begins in a mere 9 days. I am stuck on an emotional roller coaster, can't decide if I should be happy, sad, excited, nervous, scared, or whatever else there is to feel.

So just what exactly is making me so sad? I can't decide if it's the weather, the goodbyes lurking around the corner, the fear of a summer far outside my comfort zone, or just an overall result of my pure exhaustion. But whatever it is, I'm sure it can be kicked by some time with my Jesus.

So I'm giving in, spending some time with Jesus, then taking a nap. And when I wake up, I'm choosing to be happy that I spent the time this year with the people I did, thankful I got the chance to get to know them, excited for this summer and the upcoming year ahead, and stoked to see what God does in my life and the lives of the campers this summer. I'm saying goodbye to sadness, nervousness, and whatever other negative emotion that is trying to break me down.

So here we go, time with Jesus, nap, better attitude. Ready, set, GO!

Update on the Sorry Game...

2010-04-19T10:39:00.002-06:00

So here's an update on my Sorry game that has recently ended...

I dealt the Sorry card to the necessary person, for the third and final time. But this time, it was mutual... Agreed to still say hi when we pass each other on the board, but that's about it.

As for the rest of my board game... I'm chilling in the Start Zone... Waiting for the perfect card (either a one, two, or sorry of course) to come and sweep me out of the start zone off for another ride around the board dodging the Sorry cards.

And as for Sorry being the game of revenge... Well, who said it had to be like that anyways?

Strange Resemblance... Sorry?

2010-04-18T14:43:00.007-06:00

My love life is beginning to resemble a board game. And before you think I'm completely crazy, let me explain. The particular board game I was thinking of when I tweeted that statement earlier today, was the game Sorry. I used to play that game all the time when I was a kid, my mom is pretty much the queen of that game, so as a kid, I played a lot, and usually lost against her. Anyways, the game sorry has a lot of different cards that tell you how many spots you can move, but you have to have either a 1, a 2, or a sorry! card to get out of your start zone. Once you are out of your start zone, it's time to make a run for it to get your player into your home before someone else uses their Sorry! card to knock you off the side of the board right back into your start zone. Get the jist of the game?

So my love life is like one big giant game of Sorry. The players are me and the love interests/ex interests in my life, and the cards are the things life deals us. So you have people you are interested in, getting a sorry card, and wiping you clean off their board, and you have me, doing the same thing back to them. What frustrates me about my love life resemblance to sorry is that it feels utterly uncontrollable. It feels like there will always be aspects in my life keeping me from spending more time on the board with whoever I want, and there will always be things in other people's lives that keep them from hanging around with me.

But, I do have to say, it may be good that my love life is one big game of Sorry. Keeps things interesting, keeps me on my toes, and as of lately, I know that God is the one handing me the Sorry cards. However, I would like it if just one time, I could make this work, with the one person I've been trying to make it work with for almost 3 years. But alright God, I know, I know, You dealt me a sorry card meant for him and it's time for me to tell him to go back to start.

And if there is one thing I've learned in this whole Sorry/Love Life thing... It's that telling someone Sorry is just as bad as someone telling you Sorry. And mutual Sorry's may look easy, but they are just as hard as all the other Sorry's because a Sorry is a Sorry and it still knocks you right back to good ole' start.

You're All I Want

2010-04-13T17:08:00.003-06:00

This skit makes me cry... And realize that a lot of times I am the girl in this, and I am so grateful that Jesus always has his arms open wide for our return.

"You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything, Everything."

My heart has been crying that all day... Your love is so big. I can't help but love you, I can't run away from you, I want to be in Your arms. Nothing can take me away, You're everything.

A Glimpse Into My Heart

2010-03-24T01:03:00.001-06:00

I used this in my bible study that I led last night on finding our worth in God and pure surrender... They seemed to really appreciate it and said I should post it. So here it is, up close and personal to the real me... Authenticity for ya!

I wrote this in my journal a few weeks ago:

I feel worthless. Empty. Lost. I have tons of people around me, a few great people that care about me. Great mentors. A great family. A great life. But I feel empty. Like there is a hole in my heart. I feel like I can’t satisfy, and I’m not exactly sure why. I know God loves me and I desire to grasp that love and cling tight to it. Yet I try to escape God. I run away and I didn’t know why, until earlier today. I run because I am ashamed of myself in the eyes of the Lord. I hate my past and I hate that it still lingers in my present.

Then I was reminded of this: Repentance. The only way to break down that wall between me and God and to destroy my weird desire to run from Him. Surrender. If I surrender my feelings, repent my sins, and spend time with my God, I feel his love present. I feel like I can accept his love. I don’t feel worthy of it, and I never will, but I will be able to hold on to it, to not run away from it, to live in it.

When I am living in his love, embraced in His arms, I feel like I am someone. I feel like everything will work out, I feel a trust that comes only from full submission. So then, when I ponder the question of self worth and why my self esteem stays so low sometimes, I think completely of submission. Submission consisting of love, repentance, obedience, and comfort in the love that only my Father can offer me. I begin to see that the view the world has on me, is merely the attempts of Satan to make me have that desire to run from God again and experience that low that I feel when I’m not fully connected and in love with my God.

So my solution, my application, my plan to fix the problem, is to dive into God’s word. To stay true to my time with him. To have dates with Jesus, after all, he is asking for the date. To repent and ask for forgiveness, then to obey and stay away from my evil desires. To find life, by walking solely with him.

“But you, oh Lord, are a shield that protects me; you are my glory and the one that restores me” – Psalm 3:3

“Take away my foolish desires, and let me find life by walking with you” – Psalm 119:37

“Oh Lord, we belong to you. We tell you what worries us and you won’t let us fall.” – Psalm 55:22

Worth a Love Song

2010-03-20T23:50:00.003-06:00

"Where can I go? Where can I run, from You? You're everywhere. You know all my thoughts; You see through my ways, and still, You come to me. So I sing, a love song, to You. So I sing, a love song, to You. From heaven above, and earth down beneath; Your love, reigns down on me. You know all my thoughts, you see through my skin, and still, You come to me. And so I sing, a love song, to You ... You walk on waves; You run with clouds; You paint the sky; for me to see; Your majesty, Your majesty is why I sing."
- Love Song, Jason Morant

I picked up my guitar last night, for the first time in quite a while. I didn't really know what I wanted to play and somehow this is the song I started playing. Probably because it's easy to play and I remembered it, but I fell in love with the lyrics all over again last night. Sometimes I forget how majestic our Lord is. How beautiful His love is for us, and how He comes to us despite our human nature.

He sees our earthly ways and still draws near to us. He paints the sky to show us His love. We can never run away from His love and He desires to spend time with us.

If that doesn't deserve a love song, I don't know what does...

Is your attitude creating self inflicted pain?

2010-02-23T15:06:00.006-07:00

It's been an up and down few days. The past few have felt more down than up, and the past love and fire for God I had several days ago has temporarily evaporated out of my life. So last night, in complete need to just let my life out to a friend, I had coffee with my bible study leader. I just needed to get everything out, all of the thorns that eat away at my relationship with God, all of the sins that consume me and make it so after I take 10 steps forward I take at least 5 back, most of the time more, and the hurt I've allowed to eat away at my heart and my trust. I literally felt like my usual day to day life had spun out of control. The hurt was ripping my heart apart, to deal with that I was turning to sin, and then after the sin I continued to beat myself up. It was like a vicious cycle of self inflicted pain.

It took me a minute to let myself write self inflicted in that sentence. I almost did not want to admit that it actually was self inflicted. It took a little bit of harshness from my bible study leader to get me really thinking. All I had to do to turn away from what made my world seem like it was spinning out of control was draw near to Jesus and undergo a major attitude change. After talking to her, my views changed from feeling like the hurt I was feeling and the sin that consumes was uncontrollable, unmanageable, and simply not going away anytime soon to looking at the fact that God is bigger than the hurt I feel and He is the ultimate comforter and the sin I'm consumed in will take some self control and discipline but is in no way, shape, or form uncontrollable and unmanageable.

So here's what I'm getting at when I say all of my hurt, pain, and ultimate stupidity was self inflicted. All I had to do to feel better was think of things in the positive way, the way where God is the ultimate healer, comforter, and provider. Our one true love and help in times of despair. If I would have looked at things that way, I would not have felt like my whole life was crashing down, or that I was a horrible person that was beyond forgiveness. I would have looked at some things in my life and said, "Jesus, these need to go, can we do it together?"

Are there things in your life you need to have an attitude change in? Things you need to fall to your knees and say "Jesus, this needs to go, can we do it together?"

I posted this tweet earlier:
"Sometimes we need a good life butt-kicking. We need the people in our lives that are harsh when need be yet loving all the way through it."

I hope you all have friends that are tough on you when you need it and love you despite your past or current sins. I think everyone needs at least one person in their life that isn't afraid to give you a good life butt-kicking when needed.

Erin, thank you. :)

Simple Math

2010-02-09T23:14:00.004-07:00

Tea + Bible + Worship Mix + Empty Quiet Room + 1.5 Hours = Excellent Way to Spend My Night

I wish math was this easy. Time alone with God has become a necessity in my life lately. What's weird is that I haven't really ever felt a NEED to spend time with God like I do now. It's a new experience for me, to lose track of time while having a quiet time, or to not want to stop and do homework. I have a new idea I started today for this week: Dates with Jesus. Okay, before you think I'm totally ridiculous, let me explain. I make dates with my friends, I make time to eat with them, to go to coffee with them, to spend time with them, etc. Once I have made those dates, I hardly ever cancel, hardly ever am late, and nearly never blow them off. Yet on those days when I have "quiet time" on my list of things I need to do, I find myself frequently putting it off til everything else on my list is done, frequently canceling it or saying I'll do it later, and almost always blowing it off. Ouch, that last one kinda hurt to say.

So, hence the new idea, of dates with Jesus. Times set aside solely for the purpose of meeting with Jesus. I started it today, and I actually ended up being early for my date, spending longer than I said I would, and enjoying it even more than I ever thought I would.

Any cool quiet time ideas you guys have to keep you held accountable to spending time in God's word? I'd love to hear them.

Princess Dress or Lifelong Promise?

2010-01-23T23:54:00.002-07:00

I have been listening to this song all day. I had a break down moment earlier today and bought a bride magazine. I really just wanted to see all the pretty dresses, but reading it brought so much more to my attention. How a wedding isn't all about the princess-y dress, the perfect hair, the lovely decorations, or the perfect day every girl has been dreaming about since they were little. (Anyone ever play bride?) A wedding is saying I am going to love you forever and always. I am going to lean on you and let you lean on me. I am going to work to keep our love strong. I am going to promise to be with you. Love is a promise. Love is a covenant. Love is a gift from God.

That's a big deal. A bigger deal than the pretty dress that I've been dreaming about since I was a little girl. I hope one day I find that kind of love. The kind talked about in this song, and in 1st Corinthians. Then the pretty dress will feel perfect, the flowers will glow like a gift from God, and the music will fill my ears like a 400 member symphony. Because I will know that God was the source of my ability to love. And that, my friends, is way more beautiful than the dress.

Live. Laugh. Love. And Blog.

2010-01-10T22:16:00.007-07:00

I have been blessed with the best friends I could ever ask for. I feel so lucky to have such great girls in my life to support and encourage each other. This weekend we had a girls weekend in Colorado Springs and had some great fun times and some hilarious jokes, one of which was about blogging. Apparently Jenni and I got a little too into our blogging conversation creating some all-in-good-fun teasing. So I told them I would blog about this weekend as a joke (they don't think I'm actually going to do it) so I'm writing a blog for the sole purpose of making them smile.

So I'm going to give all the girls a silly "about me" section that could be posted on a dating site from silly things and quotes from this weekend. Keep in mind this is another all-in-good-fun moment and it's not all serious. :)

Erin: About Me: Well my name is Erin and I realized that I don't really have a hobby. I like to take pictures but haven't been seen taking one all year. I am about to start a hobby blog, where I try a new hobby everyday and then blog about it.... I think I'm going to start with that thing, where you know, you like break plates and glue them to tables. I was later informed that breaking plates and gluing them to tables was called Mosaics. I am a firm believer that a hobby does not include a collection, but I've agreed to disagree on that issue.

Jenni: About Me: Hi my name is Jenni, and I love to write. I'm a journalism major, and a fellow blogger with Ashleigh. Her and I enjoy commenting on each others blogs and talking about our blogging and story writing experiences. People laugh at us, but it really is great fellowship in writing time. I'm really friendly and creative, and enjoy skiing and bicycle riding. I also am a sucker for a pot of tea and a good laugh.

Madeline: About Me: Hi my name is Madi, and I love to dance while driving and have a great time. I am really good at giving advice about what to wear on a date, and I have excellent fashion sense. I love to ski, a pretty new hobby, but I love it. Some of the girls had bets on how long I would last the day we went skiing and I totally rocked it and lasted all day and had a great time. See, I really am tough after all. Take that, ladies. :)

Alix: About Me: Yo my name is Alix and I could pretty much be a professional rapper. I took my rapping to the performance level this past weekend. My stage was the passenger seat of a car and my audience was 5 girls. Everyone has to start somewhere eh? Oh and I have a cat named TJ that likes to snuggle and a dog that pees instantly when it gets excited. They add spice to my life.

Tanya: Hi my name is Tanya, I recently got my braces off and have a beautifully new smile! I love a good coffee shop and children's books. I interview locksmiths before I let them unlock my car, safety first, right? I am super friendly and enjoy time with my friends. I have very high aspirations that include med school when I graduate and I am really enjoying Fort Collins.

Danielle: Well, my name is Danielle and I love the game Apples to Apples. Kids tend to know what card I put in apples to apples, therefore leading me to victory. I work a lot so I didn't get to spend too much time with the girls, but hey, someone has to pay for these art projects for my Art major at CSU. I'm really creative and I love to workout with Ashleigh.

Well, that concludes my silly biographies. I hope I could make my friends smile and laugh a little. These girls make my day everyday, they are always there to talk to, laugh with, and be silly with. Not to mention their ability to encourage me to walk in the way of the Lord through every aspect of life. It's great to have friends that care about you so much that they encourage you to be the best you can be. I can only hope I do the same for them, because their love and encouragement has been one of the most amazing gifts from God. I hope they all know how much I love them and appreciate their friendship.

A prayer:

I pray that whoever is reading this has friends like these girls. I pray that your friends build you up and not break you down. That they continue to encourage you to be the best you can be even if that means a hard conversation here and there. I pray that they support your dreams and goals and help you to obtain them. That they are there for you in the good times and bad, and by your side when you need them most. I pray that you find beautiful fellowship in your friends and that you feel like you learn from each others life stories. And I pray, most of all, that you are that to your friends in return.

Any amazing friend stories for me?

Tears

2010-01-06T00:07:00.002-07:00

Sometimes all you need to clear your mind is a good cry. Whether your hurting, lost, confused, stressed, have a lot on your plate, or simply having a bad day, having a little cry just seems to make it better sometimes. Whenever I just break down and cry it's like the weight of the emotion in the situation was lifted and I can look at it with a more level headed approach.

Anything you need to just break down and have a short cry over?

Here's to 2010!

2010-01-02T22:54:00.004-07:00

This week has been filled with up's and down's. As usual, the holidays provided me with more time to think, therefore more time to fill my head with everything I want to change and everything I want out of my life. However, what I tend to leave out of my excessive thinking time, is what I'm satisfied with, what I like, what I am thankful for. Though there is a lot in my life I want to change, and a lot of things that I am unhappy with or wish didn't exist, there are basic things that keep my clock ticking everyday. Things like God being in control of my life, like God providing great relationships to keep me accountable and in check, like God placing family in my life to love me and to receive love from me. Honestly, the list is never ending of the gifts God has given us and the things He provides to help us through each day, yet I tend to think of the less lovable things.

So here's to 2010, It's a new year, and It's time to start thinking in a new way. Time to erase those negative thoughts and start being grateful for the gifts that God has given us and for His love and mercy. Here's a list of the top 5 things I'm going to begin praising God for instead of thinking about everything I dislike about myself.

1. I was created by God, in His image, and He made me perfectly.
2. God's love is perfect, never failing, and is better than any human's love can be.
3. God has provided me with an amazing family and a beautiful little 8 year old biological sister.
4. God took me out of an awful situation and blessed me with a family that has loved me and raised me well.
5. God has blessed me with an amazing group of girls in my bible study to come alongside each other in support and dive into His word.

What is on your top 5 list?

Blessings to you all in 2010! May you remember that God is with you always!
<3

Trash Talk

2009-12-17T19:47:00.003-07:00

Today I got the not so pleasurable experience of hearing a distressed over worked-under paid dining hall staff member lose her cool. I could tell it had been a long day for her, she works in our express dining hall, which operates like a coffee shop, smoothies and little snacks and such, and since it is the end of the semester, we are all trying to use all our meal swipes since we paid big money for those scrumptious meals (Oh, please hear the sarcasm there...) Anyways, she must have made about a thousand smoothies that day, and the order before me happened to be 3 strawberry banana smoothies. Conserving time, she of course made them in the same blender, and while pouring the rather full blender into the cups, she knocked one over spilling smoothie all over the counter, the cup, the floor, her, etc., and then proceeded to knock over the other cups spilling them too. Rather frustrated (as anyone would be) a large string of not-so-glamorous words came out of her mouth and not so quietly either. I proceeded to just kind of look away, when a little boy, about 5 years old caught my eye standing next to me. That little boy had clearly heard every word she had said.

I tell you this story not to condemn her, not to tell make fun of her, and definitely not to say I am in any way better than her. As a matter of fact (here's some honesty) I am a recovering trash talker. Somewhere along sophomore year of high school I picked up a sailor mouth from the people I surrounded myself with. I knew at the beginning that it was against my morals and the way I was raised to talk like that, but after a while of being exposed to it, it was the first response out of my mouth in any extreme emotion situation. And let me just tell you, it is a hard habit to break. I have to consciously think about it every minute of every day. I still have it a little bit, but I have been learning to control it, learning to honor God with every word that comes out of my mouth. And if my own desire to get rid of my sailor mouth didn't cut it, a kid that lives on my floor heard my language in one of my pure anger times and said these words to me: "And you call yourself a Christian?" In which I felt a slap across the face that is still stinging.

I have become really passionate about changing my ways. I do really well when I'm with people that love God, and I'm still working towards being able to control it when I'm with people that don't love God. Truth is, it's important in any conversation to control your tongue, not with just the people who you know will call you out on it. God desires your everything, and like I talked about in my previous post, He is worthy of being praised in every little thing we do. He is not being praised or honored in any way, shape, or form, when you are letting Satan control your tongue. And if you are truly in love with God, He will begin to convict you of the sins that bind you so that you may continue to fall deeper in Love with Him. And the even greater thing is, He still loves me, He's still by my side, He's still helping me cut the chains of my slavery to sin, and He's still teaching me to honor Him in all I do.

Do you have a sin that has chained you back so you cannot walk in the way of the everlasting?

If so, pray this prayer with me:

Dear Jesus,
Lord I thank you for who you are, for what you have done for me. God I thank you for dying on the cross so that you can erase the sins that I have in my life, Lord God. I don't deserve your mercy or grace. God I pray that you consume me with Your love, Lord God you show me that your love is enough. And I pray that you release me from *name sin here* that keeps me chained away from You. I pray that you forgive me for *name sin here*. Lord, I desire to know you more, love you more, and honor and praise You more, Lord God. But I can't do that with this binding sin lurking in my life. I pray that you carry me as I unlock the chains of my sin and follow You with my everything. God, I know that I can not seek you with this sin in my life. I am ready to drop it and follow you.

In Your Holy and Precious Name,
Amen

My Glorious

2009-12-16T23:09:00.004-07:00

"God, is bigger than
the air I breathe,
the world we'll leave...
And God, will save the day
and all will say,
My glorious...."

I think I have a problem of always underestimating God's power. The fact that He is bigger than everything, everything big, everything small, everything. Every thought, every word, every sin, every good deed, every life, every love, every bad day, every good day.

I continue to find things to praise God for, and I feel like for a large part of my life, I've missed praising God for everything He does. We need to praise Him for everything, even in our bad times, because we know that in all things He is good.

God is glorious, He is YOUR glorious, your one true love, your romancer. He adores you. How does it make you feel to know that the God of the Universe, the God that is bigger than every thought, word, sin, good deed, life, love, bad days, good days, and much more, adores you? It makes me feel like a million dollars. I feel much better knowing I'm adored by God than I do when I know I'm adored by the world.

Love Him, Praise Him, Adore Him, Seek Him, Find Him, Cry out to Him, Sing for Him, Dance for Him, Love in Him, Laugh in Him, Live in Him....

And don't forget that you can praise God through anything and everything... Strive to not miss an opportunity to praise Him through your daily lives.

"O Praise Him, O Praise Him, He is holy, He is holy..."

Lead Me...

2009-12-07T22:37:00.003-07:00

It's becoming more and more obvious to me everyday that God leads us in the direction He wants us to go. All we have to do is follow. I have seen so much come out of following His lead, like following His desire for me to join a bible study at school, that has provided my best friends, the people I confide in, the girls I fellowship with. You have a choice to follow Him or take your own path and I can guarantee your path will be a bumpy off road trail when God will lead you down a path surfaced with love, protection, romance, and beauty.

Which way are you turning? Towards the cross full of love pouring down? Or to your own path filled with darkness and despair?

God promises to be with you always, all you have to do is follow His lead.

Matthew 28:19-20
"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of age."

Where is HE leading YOU?

10 Truths 1 Dare

2009-12-06T20:12:00.004-07:00

I have had some pretty heavy realizations lately and I decided to share them with you for one, to share with you what God has laid on my heart and two, to remind myself of them so I can keep myself from making a stupid decision that I know is not good for me because of the choice I have made to follow God with everything I have.

So here is a list of truths that God is teaching me:

1. His love is BIG. And BIG is an understatement.
2. Mercy is one if His most beautiful gifts to us, however mercy doesn't mean you can continue making bad choices and saying God has mercy on me so I'll just do it again. Mercy is a gift not a right. (And we definitely don't deserve it)
3. Wisdom comes from the fear of the Lord. Fear of the Lord comes from loving the Lord, and by acknowledging His glory. He is a king, the king of all kings, the alpha and omega, the most powerful, acknowledge him as so. Fear his power, embrace His love and energetically seek out wisdom. (Proverbs 1:7)
4. I'll never understand the depth of God's unconditional love, but He loves you today, He loved you yesterday, and He'll love you tomorrow. Despite what you did on any of those days, and despite your feelings towards Him.
5. God will be with you through doubt. Yeah, you read that right. When you are doubting His existence or his power, He is with you. He is loving you. And He is longing for your return. Don't shut him out because you are afraid He won't love you because you are doubting.
6. Ministry can happen anywhere and everywhere. Confining it to a church or church-like ministry is only creating boundaries in your head that are not there. God will work everywhere... Are you willing to minister everywhere you are?
7. We often hold back on evangelizing because we are self centered, we are too afraid of what people think of us, or what people will say to us. Jesus died on the cross for us, He paid the ultimate price, and if we are as in love with Him as we say we are, we need to leave our pride in the closet. (Easier said than done, I know...)
8. "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who was in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." (1 Corinthians 6:19-20) Enough said...
9. You have incredible worth in God. Looking for it other places will only disappoint you and fail you. Harsh, I know, but true in my life for sure. Seek God's love, seek to find your worth in Him. He created you uniquely, and loves every part of the masterpiece that He created. Why would you look to man to define your worth when you have a beautiful purpose in the Lord of all Lords?
10. This is a big one... I saved it for last for a reason. I'm learning this big right now... You are a city on a hill, a light in pure darkness. You have so much potential to change the world. Share his love. And the biggest way I'm learning to do that is to show God through my lifestyle. It's tough when you are a college student trying to establish your identity, but it's worth it to lose a few friends and to live the life God has called you to live. I'm working on it still...

Here's your dare:
Be REAL, be authentic, let God run your life, crawl into his arms and be at home, fear Him, seek wisdom and discretion, let go of sin and let your lifestyle become a light for Jesus, a city on a hill. AND download the song "Centuries" by Aaron Strumpel on itunes. One of my absolute favorite songs right now.

Proverbs 2:1-11
My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones. Then you will understand what is right and just and fair - every good path. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you.

We Light Fire to the Dance Floor

2009-12-02T23:51:00.001-07:00

This is a video of me and my bible study dancing, not perfected yet, but you can definitely see we are having a great time. I love these girls with all my heart, they have just made college so amazing. I'll have to post a video after the talent show on Monday with the full costumes and all. I had a blast tonight hanging with these lovely ladies. Enjoy the dance! Don't laugh too hard at us... :)

Draw Me Close

2009-12-01T22:40:00.004-07:00

I find it incredible how when you feel like you can't get out of bed and deal with another day full of crap, when life throws more lemons than you feel like you can handle, you feel completely bonded by the sin that holds your life, and you feel completely worthless...God draws you closer to Him. He says I love you still. I loved you before, I love you now, and I'll love you after. And this thing called Grace that I still struggle to comprehend most days, is God's most beautiful gift to us.

And as it's snowing beautiful sparkling flakes of snow, and the moon is bright and full, and it's so cold you feel a chill to your bones but a warm spirit that remains, I hope you know that that is God showing His love for us through the beauty He creates. That's him up there saying "You, my dear daughter, you were worth it."

And with that, I hope your heart is full, I hope you are content with His love, and I hope you know you were worth it.

I need to work on that. I need to know I'm worth it. I need to understand the gift of grace and his unconditional everlasting beautiful love. And I need to know that no other person can fill that void in my hear that only God can fill. Only His precious love fits perfectly into that hole. And only He can lift the hurt from the past.

Let God be your one and only. I'm working on it... Erin and I had such a great talk about that tonight. Actually I had a great listen at God speaking beautifully through her. Let God romance you, let Him love you, and accept His love as the most precious gift you could ever receive, and with that, I'm going to go spend some time looking at the beautiful snow, and talking to a God who loves me despite my stupidity.

Let Him draw YOU close...
Goodnight my blessed friends, I'm praying for you.

Reminder of the Summit Simples

2009-11-14T19:08:00.003-07:00

At the end of the summer I got the opportunity to go to the amazing Willow Creek Leadership Summit. At the end of the conference they gave a list of simple things you can do to further your leadership abilities and relationship with Jesus Christ. Here is the list, as a reminder. Whether you attended the summit or not, this is a practical list that can change your life and the world you live in. I haven't really been sticking with the list like I did in the beginning so this reminder is for me too. Enjoy. :)

1. Time with God, Everyday.
2. 30 Minutes a day of reading substantial books.
3. Review your plan for spiritual replenishment and the status of that plan.
4. Decide you are going to say Yes to God EVERY TIME He calls.
5. Forgiveness more Everyday.
6. Reconcile hurting relationships.
7. Use what you have to do God's work.
8. Instill your core values.
9. Remember your life matters... You have one life to do something great... To serve God... To fight for God.
10. Fight hard... What are you going to live for?

Which one do you struggle with the most?

I think for me it's number 4. Comment with your thoughts!

3 Steps to Overcome Life's Messes

2009-11-12T12:22:00.005-07:00

Yesterday I posted about the song Overcome and the tragedies at New Life Church. I hope you all watched the video of the song and saw the beauty of worship that went on in that room. Despite the terrible things that were going on, you were able to see the walls broken down and the doors opening to the hearts of the people in pain. After watching that video a few times last night after I posted the blog, I came up with a follow up blog post. Steps to Overcoming Life's Messes, ways to begin the journey to reconciliation, recovery, and redemption.

1. Admit that God does not create the bad things that happen, nor is He sitting up in heaven saying OK Satan, go ahead, let 'em have it. He cares deeply about you and does not want to hurt you. I wouldn't be surprised if He teaches you something through your trials, but he definitely does not put them upon you. Admit that. Believe that.

2. Believe with everything you have the the Lord, the God of this universe loves you. Woah! That was a big one. Big step right? Big step in the middle of your world falling apart to believe that someone loves you and cares about you right? It's so easy to isolate yourself, lay low in your pity. Convince yourself that no one loves you and that's why everything is falling apart. Believe me, I get it. But you have to change that thought. God loves you and He is by your side ready to help you through your trials.

3. Spend time in fellowship. Fellowship with others and fellowship with God. Tell your story to a couple close mentors or accountability partners, or friends. Everyone will offer you different advice, which you may choose whether to take or leave, but it helps to tell your story. You'll notice that every time you tell it it's easier to tell. And every time the things that hurt you the most are able to be talked about, you are on the way to healing. Remember though, the only way this fellowship is going to work is if you choose to be real with each other. Don't pretend it's all OK if it's not. Don't hold in tears if they are about to explode out of your eyes. Be real. Or even better be authentic.

So those are my 3 first steps, maybe I'll post a second one with the next steps. I'm not saying these are going to fix everything, not saying you'll instantly heal. God doesn't say that either. He says that He will be with you through it not that it will be easy or quick.

Two verses my bible study leaders gave me when I spent time in fellowship with them:
1. "Jesus says, 'In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world.'" -John 16:33

2. "Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus" - Philippians 3:13-14

We Will Overcome

2009-11-11T14:56:00.003-07:00

"We will Overcome" are lyrics from the song "Overcome" written by the worship band at New Life Church in Colorado Springs, CO. A while back, New Life was hit with two major events that sent the entire congregation into grief and pain. I'm sure the majority of you have heard what happened with Ted Haggard and the shooting that later occurred within their doors. If you haven't feel free to look it up, however, the point of this post is not about what happened to New Life Church, the point is how they overcame the tough times in their church.

What happened at New Life Church was ugly and life in general can be ugly too. The trick to figuring it all out is learning how to overcome. God never promised following Him would be easy but He did promise He would never give us more than we could handle. I know I've been dealt a healthy helping of life's ugly events but this song challenged my perspective on how I deal with life's uglies. My favorite line in the song is this "We will overcome, by the blood of the lamb and the words of our testimony. Everyone, Overcome" But the big thing I missed when hearing this song the first time is this: The song never says I will overcome, the song never says me. The song says we. We will overcome. We. We includes God. We includes others. We includes fellowship. We includes grieving together. We makes sure God is included in the picture.

God cares about each and every life mess. He promised to always be by our side. Whether your life mess is small or huge, God cares. Don't try to overcome by yourself. Let God be by your side. Overcome life's uglies together.

New Life Church bounced back. They hired a new Senior Pastor, and they are a thriving church today. They overcame the tough times together as a congregation with God by their side. The video below shows the congregation coming together and giving it up to God. You can feel God's presence in this room comforting and healing and loving. You cannot overcome things like this without God by your side. He's ready and willing... Are you?

Still Talking Faith...

2009-09-27T14:37:00.003-06:00

Here's a song by Kutless to add to my last post about Faith. So important... Love this song. It comes out on iTunes on September 29th!

Having Faith

2009-09-24T16:28:00.006-06:00

Ever stare at a blank page and feel overwhelmed? No words coming, no ideas flowing? Not going to lie that's how I am feeling right now. I'm staring into the "New Post" page that is consisting of mostly whiteness everywhere with a few little insignificant words.

I think a lot of times this is how I feel about changing the world our children live in, staring at a huge wall of many hurting kids, hurting families, hurting lives and having little to do about it. My few ideas and efforts can't possibly have any significance on the large need. Just like how I feel about writing right now, my few ideas can't possibly cover a page, and mean anything to anyone.

I found this quote when I was feeling completely worthless and insignificant in the large need of hope and deliverance for God's children.

"Faith isn't the ability to believe long and far into the misty future. It's simply taking God at his word and taking the next step" - Joni Erickson Tada

So what is my next step? Well I will be joining the Social Work in action club. Participating in one of the organizations that I think helps give kids hope and a way to develop a relationship with people that love and care about them. And carefully listening to where God is leading me, where His next step for me is. Having Faith.

Anyone else stuck as to where to go next? What to write? What to do to help a large need?

It's not about skipping all the steps to the top of the staircase. Just one step at a time, the next step.

What is that for you?

Built to Love

2009-09-07T23:45:00.005-06:00

Today I've felt a little down in the dumps. I don't really know why, but the one thing I wanted to see was familiar faces. People that have mentored me, people that have watched me grow in my relationship with God, people who know my life story and love me despite that. I needed that, I thrive on connection and interaction with people. I love being that person to teenage girls and I love finding that connection with women that can pour their wisdom and love into my life. Then I got a little bit of a slap in the face.

Many people don't have that "go-to" person in their life. They don't have someone they can pick up their phone and call, or text and tell them what's going on in their life. I take that for granted everyday, the ability to call, text, twitter, email, facebook, skype, and instant message any mentor at really any given time of day. I need to get around to telling you all the story of my sister and I, but for now, I'll only say we just met. We met each other for the first time in April or May of this year. I've loved being able to develop a relationship with her and start loving on her and mentoring her, I can't get enough of it. I got to see my precious little girl this weekend and spend some much needed time with her. After I left and went back home, I got a text from her foster mom saying this: I overheard Leigh telling her sisters that she was so glad you were her sister because you are so nice and she couldn't wait to see you again.

Now, for an 8 year old in extreme pain, this is BIG. I mean like monumental people. Her life is a roller coaster that at any moment could fly off the tracks and for her to finally start to break down her wall to trust me is absolutely incredible. My point in telling you guys this is to share with you the importance of spending time with people. I can get into a ton of statistics I've learned from my Social Problems class, or you can just trust me, that we were built to have community. We were built to love. We were built to have a mentor pouring into us so that we can pour into others. So if you have kids, love on them like there's no tomorrow. Be there for them. If you don't have kids, there are thousands around you that don't have anyone in their lives. There are so many organizations that facilitate this (Big Brother-Big Sister, CASA does something similar, if you want a list just comment and ask) and they are always desperate for volunteers. Community and love is key to a child's growth and maturing.

Do you have a mentor? How much have they changed your life? I know mine have helped move mountains in my life.

Ashleigh and Leighanna

2009-09-01T16:42:00.002-06:00

This lovely little girl is my sister. I'll tell our life stories later, but for now...

Just the picture.

And the beautiful art work that will soon be hanging in my dorm room.

She made me that for my birthday :)

To my beautiful sister:

"If there ever is a time when were not together promise me you'll always remember:

You're braver than you believe, stronger than you see, and smarted than you think. "

Something's Got to Change

2009-08-31T10:03:00.002-06:00

Check out this video, one of my favorite artists. At about 3 minutes and 15 seconds is my favorite part where it says: "When everything we say and take just leads to war and hate..." Keep listening til the end. Beautiful music.

Give Hope

2009-08-28T22:54:00.003-06:00

So as I started to change the content of this blog, I received story after story from a few people that have seen the injustice of the social services system. My heart broke every time I heard one of those stories. Though I don't know any of these kids, they are all God's children, and they all matter. My passion is for these children to be given a chance to be successful, and a chance to find God in their lives. I will tell my life story later and let you all in on what God did in my life, through people believing in me enough to give me a chance. I want to stress one thing to you guys right now though: These kids are all around you. They are in your schools with your children, they are in your neighborhoods, they are in your communities. Problems that social services deal with are not only in inner-city areas. They are not only in the "bad parts" of town. They are everywhere you look. Don't ever miss an opportunity to tell a child you care, or that you believe in them. Chances are you don't know what they are going through, but I can guarantee those words will give them hope. You never know what kids are going through their parents getting a divorce, or abuse, or neglect, or alcoholism in the family, the list goes on and on. And these are God's children.

This is a short post, not one I really planned to write, but I heard one particular story from a good friend of mine that made me need to write this post. My friend is a teacher and she had a student that was going through quite a bit of social service nightmares, and noticed she wasn't eating lunch. My friend started bringing an extra sandwhich everyday for the girl, something so simple. But I'm sure that peanutbutter and jelly sandwhich made all the difference in that little girl's life. To know someone cared enough about her to share food with her, to eat lunch with her, and to be with her probably gave her a sense of hope.

Love on God's children, constantly. Even if they are living great lives. Kids need to know they are loved.

Blog Makeover

2009-08-27T09:47:00.005-06:00

Well hello again. Obviously you can tell I haven't been here in a while. I moved in to college, got settled, started school, planned on shutting this down, then it got added to a school project yet again. Except this time, it's not checked. It's my own responsibility to further my writing by posting. However as much as I absolutely love my blog, no one reads it. Which makes it really difficult for me to find motivation to go on. So I've decided a makeover is in order. Not so much on the blog style, but on the blog content. I'm going to start sharing with you all (well the maybe 2 people that read this) my passion for adoption. I'm going to be researching and showing you ways you can make a difference, and telling you stories about people who have successfully been adopted and how it has changed their lives. I'm going to be focusing on the social services system, how it has changed over time and how it is today. I'm also going to show you ways to get involved, don't exit my page already, you can be involved without adopting a child and without taking too much of your precious time. So before you think this idea will bore you to tears, check it out. Here are some statistics about adoption, one of the reasons I'm so passionate about this.

-Low income children in Virginia are the top receivers of Medicaid with numbers nearly doubling the blind and disabled that receive medicaid. (The 2009 VDSS Annual Statistical Report)

-In 2008 (in Virginia) there were about 4,500 monthly cases on average involving adoption. (The 2009 VDSS Annual Statistical Report)

-According to the U.S. Department of Health and and Human Services, 33% of children adopted from foster care is by a single parent. (U.S. DHHS 2000)

- Almost 5 children die every day as a result of child abuse. More than 3 out of 4 are under the age of 4. (Childhelp.org)

-31% of women in prison were abused as children in some way. (Childhelp.org)

OK I'm going to leave the statistics at that. Those are not even the worst of them. Whatever views you may or may not have on Social Services are irrelevant. The truth is, this is a growing epidemic in America. Kids are suffering across the country, and Social Services obviously can't take care of every kid in the country. My passion lies in the teenage range of age, the kids that have been told they are worthless, no one will ever adopt them, and they aren't normal. No wonder statistics show these are the kids that go to prison later in life. So sit tight, don't be too bored with me, I'll make the next few posts more interesting, but this is just a introduction to the new blog, and the new me. Let me know what you think.

Closed Mind to Open Hearts

2009-08-07T18:30:00.002-06:00

I spent the last couple of days re-charging at the Willow Creek Leadership Summit with some church staff and volunteers from Mountainview. I never expected to feel like I couldn't contain anymore information, I never knew I would be intrigued by so many speakers. I started the Summit with a closed mind, it has been a busy week at church, and the fact that it started at 8 after a big day nearly killed me, but I was awakened to what God can do when we open our hearts and let Him move.

The majority of the speakers tore my attention away from the ipod that provided facebook and Internet and captivated my heart to truly stop and evaluate my leadership and my relationship with God. We heard from some of the most prestigious leaders in the country that I normally never would have paid attention to. Their wisdom and knowledge was incredible and unbelievable. One of my favorite speakers this week was David Gergen, his knowledge surpasses many but his sense of humor is intriguing and fun. His wisdom on leadership and his experience in leading is hard to beat. He has spent years in the field of teaching leadership at Harvard, and has aided 4 presidents. I never thought I would encounter someone with those
credentials this week, I guess because I didn't really know what the Summit was since I had never been. This was my first adult conference, and I definitely enjoyed the wealth of information brought to the table. I had trouble getting all the notes I wanted simply because I couldn't write fast enough and intake all the information that quickly.

I got a lot out of these past couple days, and I will write about it throughout this next week. I'll give you some insight to what I learned and how I am now challenged as a leader. Big things are stirring within me and I am glad I got to experience the Leadership Summit, especially with the people I love!

Fasting and Seeking

2009-07-29T23:06:00.003-06:00

"So I throw my life upon all that You are

cuz' I know You gave it all for me.

And when all else fades my soul will dance

with You,

Where the loves lasts forever"

Tomorrow I'm fasting, fasting to seek God and God alone. Today was hard, there is just so much going on that I lost control of it all and just fell into a crying mess. I'm fasting to stop and get rid of all the stuff I'm going through, all the stuff that's on my mind, all the stuff that tears my attention away from God. I'm stopping to trust Him. To stop doubting His plan. To give Him my undivided attention and heart. I plan on praying every 3o minutes, stopping whatever I'm doing and talking with God. Seeking Him with all that I am, I've heard some amazingly great things come out of a friend's fasting experience. Through my meltdown today, I realized I don't trust God the way that I want to and I don't like that. I want to seek Him with everything I have. It is going to be hard, but through those hard moments I will seek God. I'll let you all know how it goes, and what God does in my life when I choose to let Him move.

Just the Right Amount

2009-07-28T23:02:00.003-06:00

Here's a quote for ya:

"God will never insult you by giving you something too easy."
-CIY Move 2009 speaker

Remember that throughout your life experiences. Life is hard, it wasn't made to be easy, but remember that quote throughout your challenges, through those times where you wake up and say "God, I just can't do this anymore!" Remember that God knows we can handle what He gives us. Which is why He doesn't give us things too hard for us to handle, and He doesn't give us things to easy to deal with. He gives us the perfect and ideal level of struggles making them hard enough that we lean on him but easy enough that we don't lose sight of him in all the mess.

What is it that your going through right now? Do you think it's too hard? Too easy? Just right?

I can't honestly say that I've thought a struggle was just the right amount for me. I can't say that through my adoption and all the stuff I dealt with I was praising God for his perfect stress level that He gave me. But I definitely look at life's messes a little differently now.

That's all I have tonight, I tried to be all profound but clearly wasn't in the mood tonight, still a good quote though.

Monday's Thoughts

2009-07-13T21:25:00.002-06:00

We asked some kids on Sunday these questions:

"What do you have questions about in the bible? What are you unsure of? What makes you think?"

Some answers we got:
"Why did Jesus just willingly take all those beatings? I mean, He's God, He's big enough to stop them, why didn't He?"

"It says in Jeremiah 29:11 that God knows the plans He has for us. I know I should trust it, but does He really have everything all planned out? Does He know the steps I'm going to take before I even take them? And is He sure I'll end up in the right place??"

"Were Adam and Eve really the only people on earth at first?"

"Why do bad things happen to good people? Why does God let that happen"

Those are all good questions. I love the way kids think and how they are so authentic and real sometimes. It's always good to see them standing up and sharing their questions in front of the whole youth group. Can you guess which question is mine? I shared one, when there was silence, to start the questions back up. I thought about just going up there and asking a question that I knew the answer to, but then realized these kids were being authentic, and I should be too.

My question is the second one. The one about God knowing our plans. You know, even though life has thrown some pretty crazy lemons my way, I'm confident my life is the way God planned. There is not doubt in my mind that God planned my adoption and the way things worked out with my family. There is no doubt in my mind that everything happens for a reason. But right now, I'm stuck. I'm lost as to why things didn't work out towards the direction I thought God wanted me to go. For years I've felt called into ministry, yet this year it worked out for me to go to a secular school and leave out the ministry aspect of my life that has become such a part of who I am. It's been hard to understand but here's why I say this:

During your times of doubt, cling more to God. He knows we doubt and it is during those doubts that He picks us up and reminds us that He is God. And God is good. So maybe right now I'm going in a different direction. Maybe I needed a taste of the secular big university before possibly settling down at a smaller christian college. But here's where I got stuck. I put God in a box. I told him what I wanted based on what I thought He wanted, and He said, nope, that's not what I have planned, taste from a different plate. So there's where I am now, but learn from me. Don't put God in a box, and cling to Him in doubts. You never know what he has cookin', but I trust that it's going to be great.

Let God be God, and let you be you, and follow with your whole heart.

Life in Hiding

2009-07-02T22:26:00.004-06:00

I feel like I need to write. Honestly, I have no idea why because nobody reads this anymore. It was a project, that's finished. So now it's just a place that I write, I guess for no reason other than I enjoy it.

I think the reason I enjoy writing so much is because it's a place to be me. It's a place where all can be messy, but turn into a beautiful page full of the real me. The me that most of the time I do my best to hide. I'm great at hiding. A skill I learned at a very young age, both for the game hide and seek, and for the fighting that my biological parents did those first four years of my life. To me, hiding became a way that I could feel invisible, of course being a four year old, I was far from invisible. But the funny thing about hiding when we are young, is that everyone sees us. I could try as hard as I wanted to "hide" from the fighting that went on in my early childhood, but it was still there, it was still reality. So often, we think our hiding changes the outcome in our favor. We pound into ourselves what we want to hear, that we weren't there, that the fight didn't happen, that we really are who we pretend to be.

The question I have looking back is why? Why do we hide from who we are? Why do we hide our stories in hopes of them never reaching the surface? Why do we cover the realities we face everyday? As if hiding from them will make them any better? I compared it to such a little thing as being 4 years old and trying to play hide and seek, when everyone could see me, and I thought I was was perfectly hidden. I think we do this same thing throughout our lives. I hide the real me and convince everyone that I am the new me, yet everyone sees right through me. I know there are people in my life that try so hard to hide themselves, yet in their weakness or struggle, their true self shines through the darkness and it's a beautiful sight to see. It's crazy to try to wrap your head around the fact that God created billions and billions of people in their own uniqueness. Not one person is like you or me. We are created, hand put together, unique in God's image. Yet we hide behind whatever we find to cover our insecurities.

Today I shared some time with a couple friends, both who have seen how I have grown over the year. I came to them earlier this year, broken and shaken up, left wondering who I could trust and who I was. I came to them in hiding from a situation I didn't want to be happening. I was hiding in hopes of it all going away or that it was a dream and never happened. My hiding didn't change the situation. It was still there, it was still as big as it was when I decided hiding would be my best way out. It still had a terrible outcome despite my efforts to make it go away. My point is this: hiding won't change the outcome, it won't make things better, it won't make things go away. The only thing that will make things start to move in the direction you want is to stand up and say "God here I am, You knew where I was hiding, and You know I have broken into a million pieces. I need YOU to get me through this." In my situation, He gave me the strength and courage I needed to be real with some people and let people come alongside me. He gave me the strength to realize that needing help isn't a bad thing. And He gave me the strength to walk through the rough times and to come out on the other side more confident.

Long post, and a long way of saying this: (sorry for the harsh statement here...)

You can hide in your desert as long as you want, but it's not going to get you out of the desert. You still will be there, thirsty for what God can and will do in your life.

One heart, One life, One person at a time

2009-06-19T16:00:00.005-06:00

Picture a room full of kids ranging in age from about 12-15 singing these words:

"There is none so high and holy

King of kings, the one and only

You are adored, You are the Lord of all"

The room is completely in awe of Jesus and His incredible love for them. Words like grace, love, and mercy were not taken lightly. The minute worship started or the speaker came up, the room fell silent with only the faint noise of kids scribbling notes. A quick glance around the room awakened me to see the looks on their faces change as they finally were able to understand God's love. Bibles were opened and being read, the dust falling off to welcome a desire for kids to read them.

Sounds beautiful right?

These are Jr Highers, some of them hurting in ways I can't even begin to imagine. Yet they decided this week, to lay it down for God, to let go and trust that He will see them through. We wrote burdens on rocks and carried them around all day to symbol the weight that our burdens are and how they drag us down. We buried the sins of our lives after visiting a cemetery. We did a game symbolizing the Secret Church to show how Christians in some countries can be killed for worshiping Jesus. We prayed for those countries. We worshiped Jesus through songs such as the one above and one like this:

"Heal my heart and make it clean

Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like you

Have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours

Everything I am for your kingdoms cause

As I go from nothing to

Eternity"

We gave kids the time to talk to leaders about burdens, sins, past, Jesus. Many kids accepted Jesus this week, and many rededicated their lives to Jesus. Though I don't have an exact number, I know this: The week full of work for me was completely worth it even if only one kid accepted Jesus into their hearts. Their life will be changed forever. Isn't that our purpose here on earth? To change one heart, one life, one person at a time? I know there was more than one, but I still would have given my time for one kid to understand God loved them.

Not to even mention it fuels my faith to see God work in such incredible ways. It's amazing what He does when you say:

"Here I am Lord, I am ready. Use me."

Then a small girl, broken and lost, comes up to you and says this:

"I need Jesus in my life. Will you help me find Him?"

Tears strolled down my face as she curled up in my arms and she asked God to come into her life.

Beautiful.

Tonight's Prayer

2009-06-14T00:58:00.002-06:00

I don't feel good enough for Your love and mercy. I don't deserve Your undying grace and patience. I feel like nobody, worthless and small in this big world. I struggle to understand the depth of Your love, and I wish I could see it so real, but right now, thoughts, worries, fears, and the past fill my mind leaving little room for me to comprehend the authenticity of your love. Change that, God. Let me feel Your love more than my fear. Let me understand that Your love is bigger than all earthly love I so desperately try to find, most of the time in the wrong places. Help me to realize I am beautiful in Your eyes, and that the opinion of people is far less important. Take me back to the times where I have been captivated and in awe of Your love, those days where it mattered more than anything. Because, God, I desire to be with You, to love You, to honor You, but as a human, I lose sight. Redirect my priorities, and forgive me for thinking human opinion and love can fulfill the void in my heart.
Love,
Me, broken and a mess, yet searching for You in the darkness

Dating Disasters

2009-06-01T20:58:00.005-06:00

Ok it's time for a silly post, time to lighten my mood...

10 Things NOT to DO or SAY on a date:

(in no particular order)

1.Ask "Are you done yet" - clearly if they are still eating, they aren't done, most civil human beings put their eating utensil down when they are done. The question does not need to be asked.

2. Let the door completely smack your date in the face. Gentlemen, it's such a small thing to do to hold the door... And most girls notice your kindness and appreciate it.

3. Eat lightening speed, one it's not healthy, two it makes the other person like they have to eat faster to keep up and some people just can't eat fast.

4. Text! Do NOT text while on a date! It makes the other person feel like you are talking about them. And it's just plain rude.

5. Stare at some other person of the opposite sex while on a date... hello, obvious.

6. Leave your date standing there at the end of the date... Hug, kiss, whatever step you are at, but don't just stand there awkwardly.

7. Ask the waiter or waitress for their number... Enough said.

8. Leave to go to the bathroom for like 10 minutes and leave your date sitting there wondering if you are ever going to come back... Awkward and somewhat rude.

9. Be more than a few minutes late. Especially when meeting them there because the other person does not know if you are showing up since you are so late.

10. DO NOT under ANY circumstances tell your date to enjoy their hike back to their car and walk to yours, leaving a girl to walk 6 blocks downtown by herself when it's dark outside. I mean, seriously? Especially a young one who isn't very familiar with that part of town.

Ok, this is meant to be light-hearted and funny, however, they really are something to think about, especially on a first date, it's the first impression you give... I take first impressions fairly heavily because it's the glimpse of who you are about to take time to get to know...

Use your first impression wisely, you don't get a do-over.

Game Ball

2009-05-29T23:00:00.003-06:00

Today I was blessed by a young girl's presence at the Rockies game with me, that young girl being my 8 year old little sister I have blogged about before. I was so excited to get to see her today, yet when I got to the game I was finding myself tired and not wanting to really participate in the game. I mean really, I have been going to Rockie's games since I was a little girl about her age, nothing special to me. But then, as I was sitting there staring off into the field, back where the waterfall is, I let my mind drift back to those years of being Leigh's age, where the Rockies game was the highlight of my month. It was a time to eat junk food, scream, shout, dance and jump around and have people think I'm cute since I was a kid. Now, clearly people won't see me jumping around and screaming as cute anymore, but I remember the days when I was little, and I was fueled by the attention I received and how cute people thought I was.

Another part of the Rockies game that would leave me with a smile permanently ironed on my face, was getting one of the game balls. My parents had a friend that would sell us some of his season tickets, we went to 12 games with seats just 11 rows above the Rockies dugout. In between the innings, the person working would let the kids come down to just above the dugout and let them get a chance at having one of the Rockies players throw us a ball. When you got that ball, it created a feeling of pure, innocent, calm bliss. Nothing could capture your attention because your eyes were placed carefully on the label of the ball, because in your hand you held one of the game balls.

Today with my sister, I got the joy to share that emotion and adoration of something so small yet so beautiful to her. It was her first ballgame, so I walked her around the stadium, stopping to buy her some purple Rockies necklaces, then proceeding to get some food, then to get the game ball. We went down there 2 times, first time we didn't really even get noticed, second time, the 1st base coach threw it right to her but some boy reached over and caught it before it got within her reach. The coach told us to wait, and threw to me a brand new ball for Leigh. I will never be able to forget the look on her face when I handed her that ball. It was like experiencing the bliss of me getting my own game balls when I was a kid when I gave it to her. I can't even describe the emotion.

So go ahead, reach out. You never know how great it can be to make someones day. I hope you never pass up the opportunity to change someones life, never forget to look at the small things, for the small things can make the most genuine difference. Don't lose sight of the people you care about most, and make sure they know that you care. I will never forget that look on Leigh's face, and I hope you all have similar experiences and know that something or someone you spent time pouring into, is happy and excited. Give someone the joy of acquiring the game ball, you won't regret using your time in that way.

A Place Where Everyone Belongs

2009-05-27T23:36:00.004-06:00

Ever feel like you just don't belong? You look out into a crowd of people and trying your hardest, fail to find any group you fit in with? Sometimes you even find you can't fit in with your own family?

That describes a universal problem around the world. Millions struggle with this everyday I'm sure. Being adopted, it's a problem I've struggled with all my life. No matter what I did or how well I did it, I still didn't feel good enough. Nothing was ever good enough. I excelled at dance and cheerleading, until the competition got to rough and I overworked myself and got injured, I wanted that so bad that I gave myself a life long ankle injury that will never be back to normal. Then I switched my main focus to music, finding that I just plain hadn't played long enough. I was up against people who had been playing since they were 5 religiously, I had only been seriously playing for 3 years. When I failed at that I felt too heartbroken and disappointed by my failure, I put down my cello for a while, ok a long while, ok truth? I have maybe picked it up twice for my own enjoyment since I got that letter. It's almost like I'm scared of it, like now that I didn't make it, I don't fit in with that group of people.

Same goes with my family, I was adopted, I will never look like them or share genetics, obviously. Even though that's not my fault or theirs, it's as if I'm permanently different, never quite fitting in right. Especially with these last few months before I leave for college, it's the "You're a different kid, Ash" or the "you're not like your sister" that get me, that are like a slap across the face. I was told today that I am "barely part of this family" not meant to sound as bad as it felt. They meant it as I was never home, never helping, never caring. It was by far the biggest sting I have ever felt. Made me think I didn't fit in here... Even though I know deep down my family loves me and cares about me. It's those darts Satan throws at us to make us think God's work isn't good, to make us doubt ourselves and Him.

Truth is, Satan does know the one thing that gets me good, and that's not fitting in. Feeling like no one sees me in a crowd full of people. Invisibility. It scares me. Satan knows that and uses it frequently. The minute I start to feel alone and invisible, I doubt myself causing me to doubt God, and the height at which my faith is. Following, comes a jump off the grand canyon with my faith, and me left at the bottom feeling like I hit the bottom of the pit. Trying to change everything about me, I desperately start searching for a new identity, only to find that the identity I had in Christ was the only identity that made me feel worth something.

I belong there, I fit in there. I am loved there. God never screws up and says something that stings. He never judges your appearance, weight, grades, talent, and skill. He opens His arms wide to a place I know I can always run to. A place where everyone fits in. Great huh?

Life Worth Living

2009-05-25T23:17:00.003-06:00

Well, I did it. I graduated. Even after a phone call from my uncle pleading to know if I actually received that stamped and sealed piece of paper, I still wonder what I did those 4 years. It's almost as if all I did was go to school and do the work. Sadly, I attempt to remember any sort of difference I made in someones life, looking to find nothing appear. I'm continuing to search my brain, through every shelf and closet, longing for just one thing I did to make a difference in someones life. Still nothing.

The idea that I went through the motions and let my passion for talking and helping and understanding others be left behind is like a knife stabbing through my heart. It's funny how so often we let our passions fade, whether it be because of embarrassment, fear, or pride, the things we enjoy most are cut to a minimum to avoid people thinking of us as "That person." Yet God instilled this passion within us to be used frequently and with every ounce of heart. There is nothing I love more than sharing a Starbucks and a great conversation with the people I love. Laughing, crying, rejoicing, falling, succeeding, failing, loving, hurting, anything- there is nothing I would trade in place of that conversation. Probably because I love loving on my friends. I love being there to support them through their struggles and triumphs. What kills me is that I think I've lost a lot of personal connection with them. Instead of going to coffee, we "tweet" each other, or instead of taking in person we "facebook chat" each other. It's lost the authenticity of relationship to me. Adding to my feeling of failure in making a difference in any one's life.

I miss relationship. There used to be a person in my life that I had coffee with every week. It was what I looked forward to every week. Both to hear what was going on in their life and to share what was going on in mine. They helped me through my struggles and I helped them with theirs. Life can be messy, and relationships can be messy, but if there is one lesson I learned through those coffee times, it was the power of support. The power of knowing you had someone cheering for you. Someone caring. Someone attempting to understand. It's a beautiful thing to have someone behind you.

So go ahead, try out real relationship again. Don't leave behind the aspect of real communication due to technology's advances. Love like there's no tomorrow, and spend some time caring about others. That's what I plan on doing all summer, yet I know it won't make up for the 4 years of high school I lost while not fulfilling my passion and God's gift. I don't want you all to feel the same regret I do.

Now, stop reading my blog online and go find someone to love on. :)

Seniors 09'

2009-05-08T15:05:00.002-06:00

I know, I know. I'm a blog slacker. I admit it, yet I do have to say the last 2 weeks of the senior year are possibly the most busy weeks I've ever had in my entire life. Not that I'm complaining though, I've loved every second of these last few weeks... Concerts, recitals, banquets, last classes, AP tests (ok those are NOT enjoyable) but making the most out the time we have left is important.

Last night I got the opportunity to sit outside on the porch, in the darkness and warm weather, and just write. Write everything that's flashing through my mind (at practically lightning speed), the good, the bad, the middle ground, the worries, the excitement. But I found one statement repeating itself consistently throughout last nights writing...

"I wish I knew what to do with my life"

That question has hit me hard ever since I was denied at the music schools I so badly wanted to attend. Now I've gone from things like pre med or vet, to business to accounting. I've been fretting and freaking and not quite taking into account that there is time! I have the whole first year to figure things out, yet the perfectionist in me is screaming for things to be set and ready and it longs for me to be the person with everything figured out. I can tell you right now, I don't have everything figured out, I don't have a major planned, I change what I think I want to do on an hourly basis, because I just don't know.

I'm discovering that maybe God lets us spend a little time in worry and despair so that we will learn one thing...

To trust in his plan.

Constantly we are trying to figure it out, though I'm sure he has a plan of what I'm supposed to do with my life. The time I spend worrying is His way of telling us to "Let go", to get rid of the control we so desire. I bet He's up in heaven just pulling his hair out wishing we wouldn't be so darn stubborn.

So here's to the seniors that have no idea what to do next year: I feel you. I'm understand you. And most of all, Were in this together.

Oh and hey, I hear this not knowing what to do thing is normal... Not that it makes it any easier or anything... But you're not alone!

Let go. Let God be God and do his work. Take the time you need. First year is GenEd anyways... Rash decisions never got anyone anywhere.

Letting go yet?? :)

Masked Beauty

2009-04-27T21:06:00.002-06:00

Are you who you say you are? Or do you say your someone else? Do you hide behind a mask that covers up your very being? Or do you open up and stand strong and say I am who I am, take it or leave it?

I can honestly say I know very few people that answer that last question as yes. I know I can't answer it that way. Were doing a series at the church where I intern about this topic- masks, hiding, illusions we create, things we hide behind. Whether it be our wealth, our successes, our looks, our body, our friends, our whatever's, we tend to hide behind them and hide the authentic personality that lies within us. Yet when asked the question "Did you know God made you perfectly" most of us say, "well yeah, of course." But the question is do we really believe that God made each and everyone of us perfectly beautiful? Probably not and here's why: Societies idea of beauty is no where near God's idea of beauty. So we change the beauty God gave us to fit into the small container filled with earthly beauty.

For me, this box contains being skinny, being tan, hair done, full makeup most of the time, expensive clothes, designer bags or clothing, and did I mention a perfectly skinny toned body?
I'm sure some of your boxes contain different contents, all striving for the same goal - to fit into earthly beauty.

So what is earthly beauty? And what is perfection in God's eyes?

Here's something for you to ponder: I have never met anyone who is perfectly beautiful to society unless they are airbrushed and photo shopped. I have met about 1,000 people who are perfect in God's eyes. So what to you want to do? Strive for something your likely to never achieve due to the ever-changing desires of society? Or stay who you are and be perfect without even having to try?

Now, I'm not stupid, I know that I could say that until I'm blue in the face and it won't change our desire for beauty on earth. That's obvious. But here's something I've decided to do... As much time as I spend on my earthly beauty, I spend on my Godly beauty. If i take 30 minutes to get ready in the morning, 10 minutes tanning, and an hour shopping... Then I better have an hour and 40 minutes doing something that will bring me closer to the one who created me perfect. I'll be honest, I fail at it sometimes, but it's a goal I have that I try to stick to. My way of attempting to be authentic in a world of normality.

Let's See How Far We've Come

2009-04-25T00:26:00.004-06:00

Today I was thinking, dangerous right? But as I'm nearly to the end of my senior year of high school (14 days- not like I'm counting or anything) I'm starting to reminisce about all the time's I have shared with my friends, and all the things I've experienced. And as I sat there I first thought up just about all of the negative things, all the rejections, the failures, the bad grades, the not-so-great popularity, etc. I wallowed in my pathetic sadness for a while until I realized, high school is not about all the things I have failed at, or all the times I failed at trying to be someone I wasn't.

It's about the accomplishments we've made and even more so what we have learned along the way. We've discovered a large part of ourselves, our personalities, and what we want to do with our lives. We have learned to problem solve and to make the most out of every situation. We have learned that relying on others isn't all bad, even though we still are stubborn. We have learned how to learn. The revelation that came to me while sitting here thinking about all this was about one particular class. Choir. This is my first year in choir, and I really only did it at the beginning of the year to be with Christine. I auditioned and unexpectedly got into the Advanced Women's Choir. I will never forget that first day in class, I had missed the whole first week of school because I was still in Spain, so I didn't know hardly anyone, and I was stuck in an Advanced class without any previous choral instruction. Everyone else had already been there for a week and had gotten to know each other. I only knew Christine and wanted to die when we started singing. I had no idea what I was doing, even vocal warm ups were hard because I had never done them before. My first thought was I'm getting the heck out of this class before I make a total fool of myself. But then as the week went by, I decided I enjoyed it, even though I was lost in the desert when it came to vocal skills and reading a vocal score, I enjoyed singing. So I stuck with it. I chose to make the most out of every opportunity I had, I auditioned for all state, knowing I wouldn't get in, but doing it for the experience of learning how to do an audition and what they were looking for. Since I auditioned for all state I had to participate in a recital right before auditions. Let me be honest: I cried during the dress rehearsal, so hard. Bawled my eyes out- it was incredibly embarrassing. But during the performance, I got up there, no tears, and sang my solo.

So as I did my vocal skills final, and after it was all said and done, I realized, sure I maybe only got a 79% on my final, but I have come a long way. I could have never sang a melodic minor scale, or a diminished or augmented triad at the beginning of the year. I threw little fits every time I had to sing for my teacher because I was so scared to sing. I walked into that room and sang my scales and triads and sight reading and whatever else with no tears, no overcoming fear, and no fits thrown. To me, that is an accomplishment.

Instead of thinking of the things you didn't quite do the best you wished you could have as failures, think of how far you have come. Where you have started- to where you are now. If there is improvement, you have every reason to be proud of how much you have learned and how far you have come.

How far have you come in life? Relationships? Jobs? Hobbies? A special skill?

Leighanna Margaret :)

2009-04-20T21:39:00.003-06:00

I met my fully biological sister for the first time today. She is 8 years old and her name is Leighanna, she looks exactly like I did when I was her age. I took her to Build-a-Bear this afternoon to finally meet her. I've only known about her existence for about 2 weeks, but I met this little 8 year old girl, with eyes staring up at me full of curiosity and excitement, yet her face revealing her nervousness and shyness. She looked at me as if I was the world to her, I looked back with complete understanding of everything she has been going through. To the outside world, adoption looks like an easy and beautiful thing, but let me be the first to announce that it can take many years, and can be the most messy thing you will ever attempt to do. In both of our cases, we had biological parents fighting to keep us, and doing everything they could to do reach that goal, except quit doing the things that were getting us taken away. Needless to say, this complicates things. I truly enjoyed getting to love on her, and show her that she can make it in life, she can grow up, not be like her parents, and be successful.

That sisterly bond began today, my heart is more full than I ever imagined it could be. I never really understood it when people said they loved someone so much their heart was full and bursting at the seams. The love I have for Leighanna is more than I can say- we barely know each other yet, we both just instantly clicked. Her shy eyes met my shy eyes and we both crept out of our shells. Her look of fear of the world met my look of confidence that she can make it, and she picked up her eyes off the floor. Her heart-ache met my understanding of her pain, and she lifted her head and was strong. I have faith in her, she will get through all of the rotten lemons the world has thrown at her. She has the strength to rise above and cling to her faith in God. (Yes, she's 8, and has a relationship with the God of the Universe) :)

There is something about her- that just generated all the love I have to give, not caring about the risks that involve loving her- considering you never know where she could end up. Adoptions do fail sometimes, especially in cases with the biological parent fighting it. But it's a well worth it risk that I am more than willing to take. I know God will take care of her and of our relationship. I trust Him.

My heart is more full than it has ever been, what a wonderful feeling! <3

"I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you"

2009-04-07T21:48:00.005-06:00

What if the world was all things nice?

You wake up at whatever time you want in the morning, grab a cup of steaming coffee in your favorite mug, sink down into the cushions of your favorite chair, watch the news, read the newspaper, or your most current novel. You proceed to dive into the days activities with a sense of peace and serenity. You are not stressed, and no relational problems exist. You spend the day enjoying the gentle love of family in friends, and never once do you have a problem to talk about.

Your world is perfect.

Or so you think. Lately I've watched a particular friend suffer time after time after time. It's like it seriously never ends for her. One thing ends, and the next one is tumbling down to meet her. It kills me. It absolutely makes my heart ache for her. My second reaction is, "God, WHY?! Hasn't she had enough yet? I mean seriously!" She's been through it all, so I plead to God as to why she's still receiving the storm when it's her turn for a sunny day. Many days I find myself begging God to let life ease up on her, to let the storm cease. Yet, she's still captured in the middle of a storm, while past storms keep their hold on her. I sense she's near the end of her rope, the storm has just about drained every last bit of energy and life to her. So I do the only thing I know how to do, pour myself into her. Allow my shoulder to be cried on, keep my phone on and on loud waiting for her cry for help, and tell her I'm cheering for her, that I'm with her through every last drop of the storm. I don't know if that's enough- but it's all I can do other than pray.

But what I've noticed about her, has changed my life. Through all of her trials she has become stronger. She comes out of every storm with a new way to overcome struggles. She is strong and gentle. She doesn't lose control. She is my idea of a woman of strength.

So maybe life being perfect in easy isn't all it's cracked up to be. For it's through our struggles and trials that we find God more intimately. Because we are lacking in courage and we are covered in emotion, we seek God. And God provides. We may not see it at the time, but God does provide.

"Just remember, every flower that has ever bloomed had to go through a whole lot of dirt to get there"

-Barbara Johnson

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we don't give up"

-Galations 6:9

"No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, I will be with you. I will never leave you nor forsake you."

-Joshua 1:5

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go"

-Joshua 1:9

As I look back on the times I have struggled, I see that God was there. He has never left my side, although I have felt like He has. I've been through a lot in my 18 years of living, and sometimes I want to scream at God, but then I realize that God is with me, and will continue to be with me forever. I will never be in the storm alone.

I hope you all begin to see how God uses your times of trial in incredible ways. Don't ever forget that God does provide and care about throughout every trial. I would love to hear some stories of where you have seen God provide throughout your trials or failures. I'll be posting one soon. :)

The Biggest Loser

2009-03-28T23:38:00.005-06:00

After babysitting or watching kids practically all day today (No joke, work 9-2, babysat 3-11) I got to see a lot of the show "The Biggest Loser." And I do have to admit, if you have never seen the show before, it sounds like a terrible show... Wow let's see who can be the lamest loser... But that's definitely not how this game goes. "The Biggest Loser" is a show about people who are overweight, seeking to become healthier and of course skinnier, and the winner is who has lost the most percentage of body weight. Although, from my time spent watching the show it's not entirely about the weight loss, the characters experience a life change throughout the length of the show. They are pushed to their limits, challenged to the end, and climb mountains of success every day. So in spirit of watching the show for about 3 hours today, I have decided to go on my own "Biggest Loser" adventure. Really, I've been wanting to lose the weight anyways, but more so than lose the weight, I want to show myself I can put myself up to a challenge and stick with it. (Although, there is no harm in being ahead of the game for the "Freshman 15" next year!) So my start day is going to be April 1 and the end date is going to be July 1. That gives me 3 months- guess I better set some goals eh??

Goals:

-to workout at least 4x a week

-to only eat out 2x a week at the most

-to eat 3 small healthy meals a day and 2 healthy snacks per day

-to not let myself skip meals (most importantly, breakfast!)

-to be able to run a mile without dying :)

-to gain core strength

-to gain health, endurance, and a good self esteem without slipping into a habit of not-eating.

-to lose at least 15 pounds (preferably more like 20)

So those are my goals... (I'm sitting her thinking, good luck friend! Then I remember it's me that's gotta do all this... yikes!!) Some things clearly are going to be a little harder considering 2 weeks ago I had ankle surgery, but I should be back to normal soon :) But if Dr's orders make me extend the date on some goals, I will. Since the goal of this challenge is to be healthy, I'm not going to jeopardize the health of my ankle right after surgery.

Wow, just looked back at this, holy smokes, I'm going to die. But this is so worth it to me because it's putting myself up to a challenge, something I wouldn't normally do, and going about it in a way I wouldn't normally do it. You see, I'm the kind of person where it's a tendency to not eat when I want to be thinner, yet clearly that is terrible for your body. (This issue is a whole other post) But I want to do this the healthy way, and feel healthier throughout the process, not like I'm going to die at the end like you do when you don't eat.

Anyone willing to do the biggest loser with me?? I know Audrey probably will, even for the sake of beating me :) I'd love to have some company on my adventure, what better way to bond then to help each other achieve our goals?

Oh and P.S. Running buddy anyone?? (Someone that is patient...)

Lonely Blues

2009-03-23T22:32:00.003-06:00

Lately I have found myself day after day waking up feeling lonely and sad. Not a very frequent occurrence for me to wake up sad since I'm normally pretty energetic and happy. I always for the most part love life, I mean lets see here, what's not to love? I'm a Senior- with like 35 days left of school, I finally have college figured out, I have a church I've very connected with, I have a job, I have a home that isn't broken or divorced, I have a couple really good friends, and for the most part I've found success throughout high school. So this is unusual for me to be this depressed. I mean sure everyone has their bad days, but this has been like a slump of a week or more. I like anyone does not enjoy waking up feeling lonely and worthless, strong words I know! It's ridiculous! Even my best of friends can't seem to cheer me up or make me feel less alone.

So what is this slump I'm finding myself in? I think I found the answer through reading and commenting on Michele's blog post called Sunday Morning Controversy and having a good conversation with her tonight.

I need what I call "me time" which is my time with God, by myself, no phone, no music, no other people. Just me resting in the stillness and quietness. I need to be still in God's presence and let Him embrace me. Maybe the reason I feel so lost is that I have lost sight of who cares about me more than any other in this world. I came across this song today... It's called Can't Take Away.
My favorite lyrics in this song are in the second verse, it says:
Waves will come
And winds will blow
But it's not here, I've found my hope
My beating heart
My very soul
Is held by one, who won't let go
And so I'll cling
To you my King

How beautiful are those lyrics, we don't find our hope in anyone but Jesus, yet I know I often lose sight of Him. Maybe just maybe this is the very answer to my lonely sad depressed mood, I have lost sight of the one who won't let go. So I'm crawling back and clinging tight.

Live. Laugh. Love.

2009-03-22T21:40:00.007-06:00

(It is seriously time for a post eh? I normally post more than this!)

This morning I finally got some time to take off work and go chill with some of my Camp Id-Ra-Ha-Je friends, who I haven't seen in forever!! It's a pretty long drive, so we hardly ever get to see each other, but anyway to the point. :) We went to the grand opening of the REI in Thornton at (get this!) 6 am to camp out and wait for the doors to open to receive nalgene water bottles, gift cards, and other free stuff they hand out. Truth be told, I so totally did not go for the Nalgene or the gift card. I went for the time spent with my friends. Because truth-be-told, I am not quite the cuddle up in a sleeping bag, on the concrete, when it's cold outside, kind-a-girl. So totally not my thing. But sometimes you sacrifice what you want to do to get to spend quality time with friends, and guess what? I loved it. We had so much fun. We played apples to apples, ate breakfast, slept, chatted, and laughed.
After having surgery last week, and spending most of the week feeling grumpy and lonely, this was a much-needed outing. It's amazing what a little bit of living, laughing, and loving can do to your mood and attitude. Often we get so caught up in life and our jobs and school and the things we have to do that we forget to have fun or relax, causing uptight moods, stress, and unhappiness. And I'm telling you, the ultimate medicine is to laugh. Camping outside REI was living for me, not something I'd normally do, but taking a risk, and enjoying the reward, I call that living. Laughing was pretty much the whole day. And loving was spending genuine time with the people I care about, that shows love.

So why do we neglect the most important part of life? Why do we let busy schedules weigh out the importance of spending time with friends, and laughing? I challenge you guys to make time for fun, life isn't all about the time you spend working. It's the time you spend making an impact on others and leaving a legacy. I don't know how many of you can leave a legacy behind a desk, but I know the most impact I have made on people has been made by my time investing in them and laughing with them. The memories I have of people are from living life together, laughing together, and loving each other.

Here are some pictures from today...

I am actually in there, you just can't tell. I was so cold that I had to hide in there and then I fell asleep... Warm and Cozy!! :)

This would be Tay and I all bundled up, It was freezing!!

This is our little camp out set up, I guess we look a little homeless... Haha.

The Girls, Ashleigh, Tayleur, and Stephanie

The whole group, silly picture, Tayleur, Stephanie, Bradley, Luke, and me.

The whole group showing off our Nalgenes after camping out for 5 HOURS!!

Daily Doodles

2009-03-17T22:30:00.002-06:00

Random today thoughts...

1. Surgery is quite honestly a lonely thing. People care about the result and what they found, but after that your left lonely and in pain. I mean seriously, even my parents left me alone to fend for myself today. Let me just tell you how much fun I had trying to eat and get ready without any help...

2. I guess I just realized I never shared the outcome of the surgery with you. They found a ton of scar tissue in my ankle, most likely from the last surgery. My Dr said he hadn't seen this much scar tissue in someone under 50 in his entire 28 years of practice. T hey also relieved tension on a nerve and generally cleaned out my ankle joints. They said it went well, so hopefully it fixes that seriously disgusting popping.

3. They gave me this iceman cooler thingy, it plugs into my boot and pumps cold water through an ice pack inside my bandages. Brings down the swelling and a cool calming sensation to my ankle. God himself created Mr. Iceman, and I am forever in debt to Iceman, because he has truly saved my life.

4. Pain medicine may help the pain, but it makes your entire body feel yucky, makes your stomach feel sick, but not really sick, makes you groggy, and messes with your moods and balance. Don't believe me? Just ask my mom how grumpy I was yesterday and how many times I fell. :)

5. Some time to yourself does the heart good. Being forced to lay down and not do anything has been great, me and Jesus time, of course usually ending in a nap since the medicines also knock you out. But has been incredibly renewing.

6. Your true friends really don't care when you absolutely look like you died in your sleep. The 3 people that visited me today didn't care at all that I looked so bad, instead spent time chatting it up with me and making me feel loved and not so lonely. It seriously meant the world because I was so incredibly lonely today and yesterday. You can only sit in one place by yourself for so long until you feel like your going to die.

7. I have an extreme disorder called "lack of listening to people" - I'm not sure how many people told me that working today was a terrible idea, but I did anyway and am now suffering in pain because of it. I need to learn you can only do so much and to learn to say no when it's in question of whether or not I can do it.

8. My ankle is throbbing right now, I can feel it, and I don't like it. Just thought you all should know.

9. Now that I have wasted your time reading this, let me leave you with one last thought, sorry for wasting your time reading 9 irrelevant facts of Ashleigh's incredibly boring life.

10. Life is all about relationships. The important relationships you have carry you through times like these where you feel alone or are in pain. Whether it be physical pain or emotional pain, the people you have built relationships with will always be there for you. They remind you that things will get better, and life goes on. They visit you and offer to get you things, or put away your dishes, or let your dog out, when you are physically stuck to the couch. God also is centered on relationship. He wants a true and transparent relationship with you. Because of this, we have things like grace and forgiveness. God desires that we do the same with our friends and family here on earth. Have relationship. And practice grace and forgiveness.

So there's your daily doodle. I guess that's what happens when you leave me alone for the day. :)

Thanks visitors for coming to see me, it made my day. And I'm not just saying that.

Try out a genuine relationship this week, make sure it goes both ways (meaning both people benefit) and make sure you practice grace and forgiveness within that relationship. I'm sure you will find reward out of it. I know I have.

In the Spirit of the Fajita Dinner...

2009-03-15T21:23:00.003-06:00

"Hold me in Your arms, Never let me go. I wanna spend eternity with You.

And now that your near, everything is different, everything's so different, Lord.

I know I'm not the same, my life You've changed. I wanna be with You.

I wanna be with You."

(Now That You're Near)

As we approach summer trips this summer, I'm looking back on my experiences with summer trips and it just made me think of this song. When I went on my trips (3 years ago) I was kicking and screaming about going, I didn't want to, I didn't know anyone, and I thought my mom was some form of Satan by making me go- I was so angry. I felt like I didn't have any friends. And what better way to rub that in than putting you on a trip where you leave the state or the country without any friends...

But not only did I make friends on those trips, I made friends with God. When I went on those trips, I was a cheerleader, not hanging with the best of crowds, and definitely not making the best of decisions. Self image problems consumed me, and God was not a part of my life because I was still blaming him for almost letting suicide take one of my friends. I was a hurting teenager that had kept every feeling inside until CIY that year. I lost it to a few people on that trip, broke down emotionally, probably a lot more than I needed too, but when you hold feelings in, they come out about ten times stronger. God found me that week. Found me in the crowd of people and held me in His arms. Showed me that he cared, and showed me a glimpse of His incredible love for us. It was everything I needed at that point in my life.

So as we approach these trips, I have a prayer request. I am asking that those of you that read this blog pray for these kids. They are about to go on some amazing trips that will change their lives if their hearts are open to change. These trips are a time away from home so kids can focus on God without the distraction of family, life, or cell phones most importantly. (Taking that technology away helps the most, I know they all wish God knew how to text.) :) These trips are so important and I wish that you all could see just how much they change lives. I know my life is a walking example, because I needed that more than anything, to meet God on my level, where I was comfortable and then have that comfort zone challenged. So I ask you to pray that God open their hearts for this summer, so they see Him as a real part of their life, and that they see even a glimpse of God's incredible love for them.

I appreciate your prayers, because this is something so near and dear to my heart because it made such a difference in my life, that I want to see it continue to make a difference for other teenagers. These are important years, this is the new generation, and this is the time to make sure they have a sold foundation in Christ. And these trips, both planning them and going on them, is one of my bigger passions of ministry at Mountainview.

Oh and one more prayer request? I'm having ankle surgery tomorrow... A little nervous here, but I'm sure everything will go fine. They are just scoping it to see if they can fix the popping and release tension on a nerve. I'm really praying that they don't find anything to big, because silly me wants to dance at prom! :)

Thank you all for praying, especially for these students. I wish you all could see them from the eyes I do, I see the new generation having an incredible passion for knowing Jesus and making Him known throughout all the world. Rock on Students, Rock on.

Mountainview Summer Trips '09

Jr High Missions- Texas

Jr High Camp- Camp Como

Sr High Missions- South Dakota

Sr High CIY- Carbondale, Illinois

Junior/Senior Missions- Chicago, Illinois

I Think I Finally Figured it Out!

2009-03-12T14:10:00.003-06:00

My new and improved ever changing major, except this time I think I like it...

International Studies (Spanish Emphasis)
and
Education
with a minor in
Christian Studies (Christian Leadership Emphasis)

I'm sure I will really enjoy being in school for about 10,000 years. But I think I might actually really like this one, since the music thing clearly didn't go so well... :)

Good? Bad? Yes? No?
Haha!

Open the book...

2009-03-10T21:54:00.008-06:00

God made my life complete when I placed all my pieces before him, When i got my act together, He gave me a fresh start, Now I am alert to God's ways; I don't take God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works, I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I'm watching
my step. God rewrote the text of my life when i opened the book of my heart to his eyes.
Psalm 18:17 (The Message Translation)

So often we try to put our lives back together ourselves, whatever happened to us, maybe it be parents divorcing, maybe it be rejection, maybe it be loss of a loved one, or what have you. I know I am so guilty of leaving God out of the picture, so when I read this, I was kinda in the shock wow state. Recently, I have started placing all my pieces before Him, and I have seen Him begin to work my life back together. My favorite line of that verse is "God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes." A lot of times, I do try to keep my book of my heart to myself, not let anyone see it, including God, even though I know He can see right through the cover. Like a young girl hides her heart, I hide my book. Never wanting anyone to open it or to see it because you never know what they will think or say. Yet secretly the book is getting heavier and heavier. It's pages are being scribbled on by other people, and me, well, my book is being written for me. My book really is only opened every once in a while, and only if I really trust you. Yet still it is hidden from the one that cares about me the most, God.

Maybe it's because I'm ashamed of what lies on those pages? Or maybe because I'm scared to give whats written on them up to God. I remember having a conversation with someone close to me once, that I couldn't get rid of something I was struggling with because it had become such a part of who I was that I didn't know what life would be like without it. I sat there, in the parking lot, and kept saying, but I can't give it up. The person kept asking why. Finally, my eyes fell to the ground as I said, I'm scared to move on from it, I don't know how to free myself from it because it's mine, and it's been a part of me for years. It's a large part of the definition of Ashleigh. And that person said, why don't you give it to God? And I remember thinking, it's mine, I can't.

My point is this, the pages of the book, like any book, are meant to be read. They are meant to tell a story, and they are meant to be seen by the one that cares about you the most. So why do we lock them up on the book shelve and say definitely not, that is my book and I refuse to share it. I honestly can say, for me, that it's fear of change, fear of the unknown, and fear of failure. But I have noticed that when I show God chapters, or even pages, or paragraphs from my book, He tames the fear, and fills me with a new heart and a new perspective.

This is all somewhat ironic, because for the longest time I hated it when people read my writing. I still don't really like to hear it read out loud... But I have grown comfortable with this because I am willing to take a chance in people hating my writing for it to maybe touch someone else's life.

So I encourage you, to open the book. Maybe that is something as simple as letting people read your writing, or maybe you need to show God some pages of the book and share your pen so He can help write the next chapter. And maybe by letting him use the pen, you will feel renewed and put back-together.

Here's to the night...

2009-03-08T01:15:00.002-07:00

Here's to seeing almost all the people that care about me in this world tonight. I love nights where you just feel like there are so many people around you that care and are cheering for you. Let's start at the beginning of the night:

Go to church, see Audrey whom clearly I can't go a day without seeing these days, her and I share some good laughs, and she even plays me a song. (Word to the wise, don't ever give her a guitar, but hey, it's the thought that counts right?) I'll post pictures later. But refer to my post called "To a Girl Who's Changed My Life" to see why she is so special.

Also at church, see Michele. Been a while since I've seen her. Love how her smile is contagious and her hug squeezes all the bad stuff out and makes room for the good to come in.

Then, to BOPAD (It's a fundraiser for Orchestra, it's called Battle of the Performing Arts Department, and it's basically a big bowling tournament, and band always wins. Lame.) Anyways, here I see a couple teachers that have been amazingly encouraging through this whole rejection process. One being my orchestra teacher, who let me cry on the phone with her for nearly an hour, and has helped me endlessly, she's taped my recordings, listened to me play, given me harsh realities with a gentle hand, and been there for life outside of cello too. The other teacher being my choir teacher, who believed in me when no one else did, taught me things that no one else bothered to try teaching me, and gave me a chance to succeed. I will probably never forget sitting with him through parent-teacher conferences while he spent about 2ish hours teaching me the music theory that no one else bothered to help me with.

Then to a movie with my friend Christine. (Aka Bestie) I don't even know what to say about her, except she's been there through thick and thin, and is a very special person in my life, and will be for quite some time I presume. No matter what happens, at the end of the day, we still love each other.

So here's to the night, where for once I stopped thinking about college, or rejection, or whatever may be worrying me, and enjoyed life with these people. Here's to the people God has placed in our lives to help make tough times a little lighter, and to make the good times even better. If there's anything I've gotten out of tonight, it's that God puts people in our life for a specific reason, and each and everyone of those people He has placed in our lives is an important part of our growth and life here on this earth. A little honesty? I couldn't live day to day without these people. They make sure I never loose sight of Him, and His never failing love and mercy. Tonight was pure bliss.

Hey, just in case you all don't know...

I appreciate each and every one of you that has been placed in my life. You have been lights to my life, and a true gift from God.

To A Girl Who's Changed My Life...

2009-03-05T00:22:00.005-07:00

Tonight, when I felt my world was being shaken, after I sat through youth group praying that maybe I was dreaming and that I was never rejected this badly, or maybe God was kidding when my college plans were seriously turned upside down. I got a letter from you.

A letter that not only made me cry, but a letter that lifted my spirit and allowed a few more of those pieces of my heart jump back into their assigned places. A letter that showed me the reality of our friendship and how it really has been perfect. It has been loving, most of the time serving all the definitions of love (1 Corinthians 13:4). It has been equal, we practically switch off having hard times, yet never does one person think their hardships are harder than the others. It has been caring, never once have either of us shrugged the other person off in a time of need. It has been fun, we have never passed up times with Natalie jokes, Carolyn's bed, or Carolyn knowing best, and I'm sure Natalie would agree. The fun times come when I'm checking your mirrors, or were watching a scary (gross) movie, or were running around trying to make youth group happen. But the best of the best times have been our talks, my personal favorite being on the way home from Revolve.

We share a friendship that is special to me. I cherish our time together and how much we care about each other. So tonight, when I got your letter/email, it was just one more thing that made me remember that God works in amazing mysterious ways. Who would have thought after not really talking since CIY freshman year, we would end our senior year being this close? Who would have thought we both would have ended up interning at the church this semester? Who would have thought God would have matched us together at the most perfect time of our lives? The time where decisions are being made, yet life is still happening, and not stopping to let us breathe. He knew we'd need each other.

So thank you, friend. Thank you for always being here for me, even when you have a hard day of your own. I hope I am always there for you too. And thank you for being a part of the amazing memories I have of this year. What would I do without them? I mean let's be honest here, I could not live without the Natalie jokes! Nor could you drive without me checking your mirrors. Two necessary things in life.

So I hope you know that my arms are always wide open for you, and Carolyn's bed is here too. (Although that might be a little weird because normally Carolyn is in her bed, but my bed's better anyways.) You have been a blessing in my life and I'm glad we started this friendship before we left for college because even if 1000 miles separate us, we'll still find a way to be there for each other.

I love you.

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow,

Don't walk behind me, I may not lead,

But rather, walk beside me, and be my friend." -Albert Camus

True Passion

2009-03-02T21:39:00.005-07:00

Rejection hurts. But there is one thing that overcomes rejection. Steps on it like its a tiny bug.

Passion.

Passion is what keeps you running back to the thing you love after rejection after rejection. When your told No 10 times, and you are still back behind the piano, or the cello, or the paper if you are a writer. That's true and beautiful passion. Thats pure love for what you do.

You see, I intern in a Student Worship Team. There are days where I want to scream at my team, when they don't learn their music, they won't shut their yappers, they can't seem to get into the worship, or whatever it may be. Something keeps me coming back week after week. And it's passion. It's complete love for music and being able to use music to show kids Jesus. I adore music. It's every part of who I am. It determines quite possibly the majority of my personality. I couldn't live without it in my life. And God gave me my talent and passion to use for Him and His kingdom, so since he created this talent in me, and this undying passion (even after I'm run over by the rejection bus) He will continue to use it. Maybe not in the way that I thought He would, maybe not the way I want, but either way, as long as their is music in my life, I'm content.

I find pure bliss getting lost in any song that has a piano and a cello in it. Especially a Christian song. I will continue to find happiness in that, even if I don't go to CSU. So what's my point? God has a plan of how He is going to use my talents, and your's too (for all you writers) I'm choosing to wake up everyday and say whatever happens happens because this is one more day I get to play or sing or listen to Music. And you can choose to wake up and say this is one more day I get to write, since it was God who gave you that talent in the first place, and embedded a passion in you. Because I know that if you didn't have a passion for what you do, you would have quit long ago after the first rejection letter.

So what are you guys choosing to do? Let rejection tear you apart time after time? Consider giving up after every person that tells you "You Can't?" Or take the hurt, cry it up for a day or two, then get back on your feet and say, this is one more day I get to do what I'm passionate about, even if some publisher, or college, or judge.. etc doesn't like my work. I choose to rise above ir and do it because I love it. God blesses those who perservere, and trust in Him.

Anyone willing to choose to let passion overcome rejection with me?

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways awknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

Rejection

2009-03-01T23:00:00.002-07:00

Wow I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever felt this crappy in my entire life. And I'm sure a lot of you writers understand what I'm going through since it's something you all face on a daily basis. I guess I've had it easy because I've never had to experience the harsh reality of the music world. I started out with so much natural talent that quite honestly I was babied. People thought I was good, and that I could only get better. Well today I had the 4th rejection of this year, except this was the biggest one. This was college. And my number 1 in-state school. So I lost my self esteem, my pride, my reputation, and any sense of stability I had in my college plans all in one single stupid rejection email today. This is the biggest rejection I have ever gotten. I wanted this so bad, and worked so hard, and in the end received a slap in the face and didn't even get to leave with dignity. I instead got an email, and not even a respectful rejection either.

So now I'm left here saying, "Now what, God? What is your plan? Because quite honestly, I got nothing." So I hope He has something. Although right now, I kinda just want to say thanks for taking away something I really wanted. I want to believe that He has something better planned and He doesn't close one door without opening another, but my heart is in too many pieces to even begin to try to see positives. I've never felt like this before. I can't stop tears, they have a mind of their own, and I feel completely worthless. Like what little self-esteem I had is dwindling, barely holding on.

But I do have to say, this is humbling. Teaching me a lesson about pride. There will be another post on that, but for now, I've cried my face to pain and my body is desperate for some sleep. I don't know how you writer people do this all the time. I can't even handle it this once.

Love,

Ashleigh

Just Call Me The Cell Phone Police

2009-02-27T22:53:00.004-07:00

I need a silly post... Mine have been rather heavy lately. So while standing at work, I came up with a list of cell phone do not's... You would never believe what I see while standing at an expensive athletic club, you'd think since they spend so much money to come there they might have a little bit of class... ok I'll stop stereotyping now.

Do Not:

1. Answer the phone with "Yo Dawg, What up?" - Especially in a public place, and even more so if you are over the age of 20.

2. Talk about what should happen with a person of the opposite sex. Save it for in person. Yuck.

3. Stand next to a real person, be saying how are you, and on your blue tooth... Hello no one knows who your talking to. Excuse yourself and finish your phone conversation.

4. Make ridiculous hand gestures while explaining the hotness of your body or clothing, seriously, refer to number 2.

5. Try to hold a meaningful conversation with someone while you are texting.

This is more of a conversation rule than it is a phone one; People like to feel valued, they don't feel valued while you are texting away.

6. Use the phrase "I'll see you later... In my bed." OK SERIOUSLY people, I don't want to hear about that! Refer to numbers 4 and 2.

7. Answer the phone by saying "hey baby", you never know who could be calling. (Like say me calling on my sisters phone to her home phone.... I don't want my brother in law accidentally calling me baby... AWKWARD.)

8. Discuss how much you dislike someone, every time I've seen this happen, the person you dislike is sitting right behind you little-do-you-know.

9. Text while talking on the phone. The other person can hear you typing. Goes along with the make the other person feel valued idea.

10. Ok, I saved my biggest pet peeve for last. And even I sometimes am a major offender of this one. Don't SCREAM into the phone. Chances are the other person is holding the phone a foot away from their ear, and you are entertaining everyone around you and them. Keep the inside voice rule, you know, from like 2nd grade. Especially when your screaming into the phone and offending rules 2, 4, and 6. How embarrassing that must be. :)

Ok enough silliness, but really, a little bit of phone etiquette could do this world some good. And I do have to say I saw at least one example of every one of these rules while standing in the cafe of the club for 35 minutes... What a habit this society has gotten into!

Enjoy your rules... Try evaluating your own conversations. Which rules do you most commonly break? Leave a comment with your most oftenly broken rule!

PS. If you need twitter do not's too, see Michele Cushatt's post on

"What Not to Tweet"

http://www.michelecushatt.com/?p=1120

Absolutely hilarious if you ask me.

Taylor Tape

2009-02-26T20:07:00.001-07:00

Here is my prayer as I send off my audition tape for Taylor University:

Dear Jesus,

Wow, I'm not sure I ever thought this day would come, you know, where I've grown up enough to go to college. And, God? I have no idea where to go to school. And as I hold this CD packaged and ready to go in my hand, I pray that your will be done with it. And I pray that if Taylor is where You want me to go, than you make it possible, but if Taylor isn't what You want, that you show me Your will. Lord, these talents are not mine, for they are what you have given me, and their intended purpose is for You. I pray that never for a second I think the talents you have given me are mine and for my purposes. I pray your blessings on this tape and it's journey to Upland, Indiana. With everything I have right now, Lord, I pray your will be done with college. I pray you don't let me make the wrong decision, and that you make the right decision known. So, here it goes, as I get in my car and drive to the post office, I'm giving this completely to you.

In Your Holy Name,

Amen

Status of Tape: Kissed, prayed over, and in the mail box at the post office. :)

Speaking From the Heart

2009-02-26T18:25:00.001-07:00

So Sunday night at youth group it was my turn to give the message (us three interns took turns) and were doing a video message series and then discussion groups and what not. Anyways, so my video was called Today (out of the Nooma series) and it was about how so often we hold on to things of the past and never let go and move forward with life. And I’m really the queen of holding on to the past, I don’t normally hold grudges, but I remember the past like it was a cute little puppy, even though quite often, it’s an ugly horrible part of my life that I’m holding on to like I would a teddy bear. Let me give you an example, most of you know I was adopted right? So one of the bigger memories I have of before I was adopted was sitting under the kitchen table while my parents screamed profanities at each other and i watched my mom be violently abused by my father. I will never forget a certain vision of my dad slapping my mom across the face. It is a vivid memory. The fact that it is a memory is okay, but the fact that still to this day, I want to beat the living daylights out of my dad for doing that to my family is not. So the message was about giving the stuff we hold on to, to God, and letting him take care of it.
This message completely hit home for me because I am so guilty of it. If someone could take apart my brain or heart and look inside, they would see about 100 hurtful things living in there, still haunting me. But God desires to take those off our shoulders. He desires to make us new again and let us move on from those things. He desires for me to move on from that awful memory, and the many other things that hold me captive. Our God is so good. Why would he want to take a memory like that off my shoulders and put it on His? Occasionally I question why He would even do that, but then I realize his incredible love for us. I can’t even dream of doing that for someone to show them I love them. But Jesus did that for us, and I don’t think I could ever fully fathom the depth of his love.
Through this message all I could think about was how horrible of a speaker I am, Speaking was not one of God’s gifts to me. I get nervous, and then it all goes downhill from there. So the whole time I’m speaking this message or praying or whatever, I’m thinking about how awful I speak, and how self-conscious I am about speaking, but we did this activity in the end, that hit home so hard I almost started crying in front of the entire youth group. We took a note-card, and wrote down what we were giving to God and releasing from us so that we could live in today and not in the past, and then we took our cards and burned them as a symbol of giving them to God and letting them fall to ashes for us. I wrote on my card “bad relationships.” It was all I needed to write because those two words covered just about every hurt that I had. I then had to share what I wrote on my card for the youth group to kinda give an example as what to write, I shared something small, not quite as heavy as what I just shared here, and burned my card. It was everything I had to hold back tears. But as I look back, tears wanted to flow, and I’m not quite sure why I stopped them. Tears to me show heart and emotion, and I think at that moment, the audience wouldn’t have minded. However, that self-conscious guard said woahhh! No crying! I finished that message barely touching the surface of how I really felt about the subject, leaving me wishing I spoke more from the heart and less out of my fear of speaking.
So my advice is this, if you are speaking on something that really hits home with you, speak from your heart. Don’t let the fear of failing mess with your head and not let you go as deep as you want with something. It’s worth it, because what audience doesn’t love a genuine real person?
What do you all think?
Ashleigh